Clearly, I'm not a consistent blogger...
It's hard to sum up the last three years and all that has happened. I feel like I need to get some thoughts out and putting it here is much faster than writing (#firstworldproblems) and it's fun to come back and re-read these.
I'm sitting in a Pot Belly's in Dallas, Texas. Tonight, I start training with Time to Revive. I still haven't decided if I'm going to move forward and join the team or not.
My college friend, Megan, and her husband, Josh, are on the Minnesota team. I've supported them since they started a few years back and love seeing/hearing how God is using this team to love people and share the Gospel.
Those who know me well, know I have always struggled with figuring out where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Sometimes so much so that I limit God and think he can only use me if I'm on 7th St SW in Wadena, Minnesota at 4:05 p.m on Tuesday. If not, surely I'm not following God! (Ridiculous, I know...) My mom often reminds me God can use me whether I'm a nurse, a Wal-Mart greeter or in the circus. These are my typical career options when I'm ready for a break from nursing.
My life was going as planned and I thought I was going to finally get married a couple years ago. Well, obviously that didn't pan out since I'm still single... It really threw me for a loop and interrupted the plans I had for my life. The last couple years have been hard, in a good way. It's been a wilderness season. Lonely at times, depressing at others, but I don't remember a time when God and my faith were so real.
I've been humbled living with my brother and his family. I moved in with them when I started a travel nursing job last July. I cried on the way home from my first day of work. All I could think about was the fact that I was in my early 30's, single and living in my brother's basement. Now, I can't tell you how wonderful this time has been though!!! I have always looked up to my brother and love getting to see him on a regular basis. It's been fun getting to know my SIL better. Of course the games of Uno, Old Maid, Go Fish and snow fort building have created a lot of memories with my two nieces. I've been able to see friends more often because we live closer. I've gone to a few different churches and been part of small groups that have been so encouraging and good. God keeps reminding me that waiting does not mean inactivity. He is still working in so many ways, but I have learned to appreciate this season of rest and refreshment.
Back to Time to Revive...I applied to join the team last October. I told God I would keep walking until he closed the door. I still haven't fully committed yet. I'm still trying to figure out if it's me being fearful and holding on to control or if it simply isn't time yet. I enjoy being a nurse most days. I love connecting with and helping people. I always said if someone gave me unlimited finances, I would become a professional "Random Act of Kindness Giver." When I went to Africa several years ago for a short-term trip, I was certain I was going back. But God challenged me in loving people in my community and everyday life at that time the way I loved people in Africa. I wrestle with the concept of missions and what that means in my life. I wonder if that is my calling or continue my life as is and partner with other people in ministry. Working as nurse gives me lots of opportunities to be a "missionary" so to speak in ways I wouldn't have otherwise.
Then there is the financial aspect...I would ask people to partner with me if I did Time to Revive. It scares me a little bit, but the insurance aspect scares me even more. I have the best health insurance I've ever had right now. If I do Time to Revive, I also need to figure out where I would live. Would I move back in with my sister, Sarah, in Wadena. Try somewhere else? I'm not good at making decisions...
I've also been challenged in what I really believe about God and His Word. It's so easy for me to say, "I know God can do "fill in the blank"...or pray "God, would you "fill in the blank," but your will be done." In translation, I've learned what I'm really saying is, "God, would you "...," but I don't really believe you will because I haven't seen it." I've been praying a lot of "Jesus, help my unbelief" lately. I do want to believe it. I know in my head He can do it, but I'm kind of stuck. I keep coming back to the verse in the Bible that says with the power of the Holy Spirit, we will do greater things than Jesus did during his time on earth. WHAT?! How is that even possible...um, Lazarus??? (He was raised from the dead.) I can't say I've brought anyone back to life recently. Or ever.
Then I realize He is God and I am not. So I'm trying to take one day at a time. And to seek Jesus, not just His plan and will. To be continued....
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Why I Love Hospice: Lessons about living learned through death and dying
I finished up a season of working as a home care and hospice nurse with Lakewood Health System about three weeks ago. It was bittersweet to be done. I truly enjoyed it, especially hospice, but am at a point where I know I need a season of resting and taking a break from hospice. I worked with an incredible team of nurses, an amazing hospice medical director, chaplain, social worker, pharmacist, massage therapist, home health aides, volunteers and office staff. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the last few weeks-camping alone and driving to Kansas gives you the time to do that kind of thing.
People frequently ask how I could work as a hospice nurse. I am often asked, "Isn't it depressing?" or "You always know the outcome and it's not good." What people often don't see or understand about hospice is that it's not focused completely on death and dying. While hospice is end of life care and patients have a terminal diagnosis, the goal of hospice is to help patients LIVE and to support their families during this journey. Hospice isn't care for when you are on your death bed. Generally, the patients and families that receive the greatest benefit from hospice care are the ones we started working with weeks and months before the patient actually dies. More time allows the hospice team to build a relationship with the patient and family and see what is important to them before that person dies or what is most helpful to him/her and the family. Time and time again, families would comment on wishing they would've started hospice sooner. But it's hard to shift your brain from focusing on curing and treating a disease to comfort care and symptom management. Meanwhile, letting strangers come in to your home and get real personal real fast and talk about your mom/dad/son/daughter/brother/sister/friend dying. It's truly an honor to experience such a thing with people. Excuse me while I step off my hospice soap box now...:)
So back to my reflecting...I was thinking about things I've learned during my time as a home care and hospice nurse and thought I would blog about a few. Someday, I will reread these postings and it will remind me of this season and maybe encourage someone else in their story or journey.
1. Life is too short. Watching people face death on a regular basis is a reminder of how temporary this life is. There is never enough time to do everything you want. We all have these things that we will do when "life slows down" or "fill in the blank (finish college/start a career/get married/have kids/kids leave/have grandkids/etc)." Newsflash: Life doesn't slow down. Ever. We make time for the things we care about. Life happens whether we like it or not. I had these things I wanted to do, but it was never the right time or it wasn't convenient. But neither is death. So I wrote my bucket list. Ride in a hot air balloon-check. I went sky-diving. And I did a triathlon. Run a 10k-check. Why wait? And not just for the big stuff, but the little things too. That friend that you are going to get together with...or at least you say that every time you run into each other? Pick a date and get together. Or better yet, just drop in. I read an article recently that drop in visits are becoming a lost art. Let's make a comeback...:)
2. Everybody has a story. Everybody. We are so quick to judge, assume and take offense from others. Especially those who don't look/think/act like we do. Or maybe it's just me? That whole, "Be kind to everyone you meet. They are fighting a battle you know nothing about" phrase. We've all been through sucky and messy times and know the small, simple things can make your day. They can also break your day too. What if when we were going about our busy days, we took a little more time to pay attention to the people we cross paths with? What if when we greeted someone with "How are you?" we actually took the time to listen? I confess I often do the, "Hi! How are you?"...."Good! How are you?"...."Good."....cue going about my day that is a disaster and I'm not good at all, but heaven forbid I actually tell you that. I'm not saying we have to air our dirty laundry, but this was one thing I loved about being a hospice nurse. I got to hear some of the best stories ever. Stories about growing up and childhood favorites, family vacations, how husbands and wives met (some of my favorites!), how marriages survived many years, hard ships and celebrations, family traditions, quirky traits and preferences and anything else you can think of! Which brings me to number three...
3. It's all about people and relationships. I have yet to hear someone on their death bed talk about how they are so happy they worked a bajillion hours at their lucrative job, had this immaculate mansion, luxurious car or any material items. None of that matters when you are dying. It's all about the people you love and have made memories with. It's the legacy you leave with those you love. Which ties into number four...
4. We all just want to be loved. It's really that simple. I confess that when I started in home care and hospice, there were houses I went to that...well, you could say cleanliness definitely wasn't next to godliness in their opinion! I was judgmental and couldn't believe that people lived in such conditions. Some of the sweetest, most loving families I have met have lived in what most of us would consider less than ideal conditions. Their house may not have been neat and clean, but their hearts were pure and clean, full of love, care and compassion. It was an eye opener for me that once my selfish, critical eyes could get past the materialistic, surfacy things, I saw the same exact thing at every house-an individual with a story who wants to be loved, cared for and to know their life mattered.
5. This last one is the main reason why I was able to work as a hospice nurse. I needed to remind myself of this often or hospice is a hopeless and depressing job. Just like the rest of the world and life in general! Final lesson (for this post anyhow!): My hope is not in this world or life. My hope is secure in Jesus and the promise that some day, because of His grace, mercy and sacrifice, I will forever live where there will be no death, cancer, disease, sickness, sorrow, etc, etc, etc. Our hospice medical director shared this quote by Richard Rohr at our remembrance night last December, "We must learn how to walk through the stages of dying. We have to grieve over lost friends, relatives, and loves. Death cannot be dealt with through quick answers, religious platitudes, or a stiff upper lip. Dying must be allowed to happen over time, in predictable and necessary stages, both in those who die graciously and in those who love them. Grief, believe it or not, is a liminal space where God can fill the tragic gap with something new and totally unexpected. Yet the process cannot be rushed. I would say that being present at live birth and conscious death are probably the supreme catechism classes and Sunday schools that we have available to humanity. And yet we have turned them largely into medical events instead of the inherently spiritual events that they are."
I have been incredibly blessed by the patients and families I have worked with the last few years. They have taught me so much about life, loving and living. A patient's husband told me he believes we never cross someone's path on accident or by coincidence. There is always a reason. We may not always know or see it right away, but there is purpose in each interaction, relationship and circumstance. I second that.
1. Life is too short. Watching people face death on a regular basis is a reminder of how temporary this life is. There is never enough time to do everything you want. We all have these things that we will do when "life slows down" or "fill in the blank (finish college/start a career/get married/have kids/kids leave/have grandkids/etc)." Newsflash: Life doesn't slow down. Ever. We make time for the things we care about. Life happens whether we like it or not. I had these things I wanted to do, but it was never the right time or it wasn't convenient. But neither is death. So I wrote my bucket list. Ride in a hot air balloon-check. I went sky-diving. And I did a triathlon. Run a 10k-check. Why wait? And not just for the big stuff, but the little things too. That friend that you are going to get together with...or at least you say that every time you run into each other? Pick a date and get together. Or better yet, just drop in. I read an article recently that drop in visits are becoming a lost art. Let's make a comeback...:)
2. Everybody has a story. Everybody. We are so quick to judge, assume and take offense from others. Especially those who don't look/think/act like we do. Or maybe it's just me? That whole, "Be kind to everyone you meet. They are fighting a battle you know nothing about" phrase. We've all been through sucky and messy times and know the small, simple things can make your day. They can also break your day too. What if when we were going about our busy days, we took a little more time to pay attention to the people we cross paths with? What if when we greeted someone with "How are you?" we actually took the time to listen? I confess I often do the, "Hi! How are you?"...."Good! How are you?"...."Good."....cue going about my day that is a disaster and I'm not good at all, but heaven forbid I actually tell you that. I'm not saying we have to air our dirty laundry, but this was one thing I loved about being a hospice nurse. I got to hear some of the best stories ever. Stories about growing up and childhood favorites, family vacations, how husbands and wives met (some of my favorites!), how marriages survived many years, hard ships and celebrations, family traditions, quirky traits and preferences and anything else you can think of! Which brings me to number three...
3. It's all about people and relationships. I have yet to hear someone on their death bed talk about how they are so happy they worked a bajillion hours at their lucrative job, had this immaculate mansion, luxurious car or any material items. None of that matters when you are dying. It's all about the people you love and have made memories with. It's the legacy you leave with those you love. Which ties into number four...
4. We all just want to be loved. It's really that simple. I confess that when I started in home care and hospice, there were houses I went to that...well, you could say cleanliness definitely wasn't next to godliness in their opinion! I was judgmental and couldn't believe that people lived in such conditions. Some of the sweetest, most loving families I have met have lived in what most of us would consider less than ideal conditions. Their house may not have been neat and clean, but their hearts were pure and clean, full of love, care and compassion. It was an eye opener for me that once my selfish, critical eyes could get past the materialistic, surfacy things, I saw the same exact thing at every house-an individual with a story who wants to be loved, cared for and to know their life mattered.
5. This last one is the main reason why I was able to work as a hospice nurse. I needed to remind myself of this often or hospice is a hopeless and depressing job. Just like the rest of the world and life in general! Final lesson (for this post anyhow!): My hope is not in this world or life. My hope is secure in Jesus and the promise that some day, because of His grace, mercy and sacrifice, I will forever live where there will be no death, cancer, disease, sickness, sorrow, etc, etc, etc. Our hospice medical director shared this quote by Richard Rohr at our remembrance night last December, "We must learn how to walk through the stages of dying. We have to grieve over lost friends, relatives, and loves. Death cannot be dealt with through quick answers, religious platitudes, or a stiff upper lip. Dying must be allowed to happen over time, in predictable and necessary stages, both in those who die graciously and in those who love them. Grief, believe it or not, is a liminal space where God can fill the tragic gap with something new and totally unexpected. Yet the process cannot be rushed. I would say that being present at live birth and conscious death are probably the supreme catechism classes and Sunday schools that we have available to humanity. And yet we have turned them largely into medical events instead of the inherently spiritual events that they are."
I have been incredibly blessed by the patients and families I have worked with the last few years. They have taught me so much about life, loving and living. A patient's husband told me he believes we never cross someone's path on accident or by coincidence. There is always a reason. We may not always know or see it right away, but there is purpose in each interaction, relationship and circumstance. I second that.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
My brother is God
So not actually, but attention grabber, huh? :) I watched this little scenario play out and wanted to blog about it so I can come back to this as a reminder to myself. Nothing earth shattering, but simply needed this reminder for my anxious heart. I'm hoping it will encourage you too and remind you how much you are loved and cared for. Always.
I was at a cabin for a few days with my family. My niece, Vivian, who is three years old REFUSED to touch the sand. It's not that she doesn't like water. She's done swimming lessons since she was like six months old. I've been to a few of her lessons and she has put her head under (voluntarily!), jumped off the ledge, rocked her back float-she loves it all! But the lake (or the "river" as she kept calling it) was different from the pool she normally swims in. The pool at swimming lessons has different water. It's inside. And has no sand. We tried to convince, persuade and bribe her, but she rejected our offers. Who wouldn't touch sand for almost three bucks?! Vivian. That's who.
My brother held her and was dangling her feet in the water, swinging her back and forth. She laughed and giggled, but as soon as he would start to lower her into the water, she would scream. You would think if she would just get her feet low enough and "accidentally" hit the sand, she would be fine. She would realize how nice it feels on her little feet. There's no rocks. No seaweed. Nothing. But it's the unknown. It's different. As she was screaming and pulling her legs to her chest so she wouldn't have to touch that horrific sand, she began to cry. My brother tried to calm her. Tried is the key word. And then he said something along the lines of "Vivian, the sand isn't bad. TRUST ME! It's not going to hurt you. I promise. Do you think I would ask you to touch it or let you be in here if it was bad for you?" As he brought her up and held her tense, scared little body, he assured her, "I got you. I won't let you go." She believed it. She relaxed and knew that her daddy meant what he said.
I'm usually not one to make things sound so dramatic, but as I watched Jesse and Vivian, I couldn't help but think about the love a father has for his child. That still, small voice gently reminded me that this is a tangible, visual example of a sliver of God's love for me (and YOU!).
I often find myself discontent and feel like my life should be more put together (whatever that means). I'm a control freak and struggle with needing to be independent and self-sufficient and hate relying on anyone, sometimes God included. I know in my head that He is good and faithful and He has never let me down (and all those other lovely promises in the Bible), but WHAT IF this time is different? (Silly, I know.) But insert my attempt to control and take care of things. I just want a map of my future and where I should be and what I should be doing. As I watched Jesse and Vivian, it was like God said, "Jenny, it won't hurt you. I promise! TRUST ME! Would I call you to go somewhere or do something that isn't for your good and my glory? I got you. I won't let you go." He does this. Again and again. And again and again. And unlike Viv, I still question it. What a reminder of childlike faith. In her mind, her daddy said it-so it's truth. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions. I know my Father means what He says, but my human nature gets in the way so quickly. Father, help my unbelief. I am thankful that God continues to remind me of these Truths. Again and again. And again and again. You're welcome for the reminder. :)
I was at a cabin for a few days with my family. My niece, Vivian, who is three years old REFUSED to touch the sand. It's not that she doesn't like water. She's done swimming lessons since she was like six months old. I've been to a few of her lessons and she has put her head under (voluntarily!), jumped off the ledge, rocked her back float-she loves it all! But the lake (or the "river" as she kept calling it) was different from the pool she normally swims in. The pool at swimming lessons has different water. It's inside. And has no sand. We tried to convince, persuade and bribe her, but she rejected our offers. Who wouldn't touch sand for almost three bucks?! Vivian. That's who.
My brother held her and was dangling her feet in the water, swinging her back and forth. She laughed and giggled, but as soon as he would start to lower her into the water, she would scream. You would think if she would just get her feet low enough and "accidentally" hit the sand, she would be fine. She would realize how nice it feels on her little feet. There's no rocks. No seaweed. Nothing. But it's the unknown. It's different. As she was screaming and pulling her legs to her chest so she wouldn't have to touch that horrific sand, she began to cry. My brother tried to calm her. Tried is the key word. And then he said something along the lines of "Vivian, the sand isn't bad. TRUST ME! It's not going to hurt you. I promise. Do you think I would ask you to touch it or let you be in here if it was bad for you?" As he brought her up and held her tense, scared little body, he assured her, "I got you. I won't let you go." She believed it. She relaxed and knew that her daddy meant what he said.
I'm usually not one to make things sound so dramatic, but as I watched Jesse and Vivian, I couldn't help but think about the love a father has for his child. That still, small voice gently reminded me that this is a tangible, visual example of a sliver of God's love for me (and YOU!).
I often find myself discontent and feel like my life should be more put together (whatever that means). I'm a control freak and struggle with needing to be independent and self-sufficient and hate relying on anyone, sometimes God included. I know in my head that He is good and faithful and He has never let me down (and all those other lovely promises in the Bible), but WHAT IF this time is different? (Silly, I know.) But insert my attempt to control and take care of things. I just want a map of my future and where I should be and what I should be doing. As I watched Jesse and Vivian, it was like God said, "Jenny, it won't hurt you. I promise! TRUST ME! Would I call you to go somewhere or do something that isn't for your good and my glory? I got you. I won't let you go." He does this. Again and again. And again and again. And unlike Viv, I still question it. What a reminder of childlike faith. In her mind, her daddy said it-so it's truth. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions. I know my Father means what He says, but my human nature gets in the way so quickly. Father, help my unbelief. I am thankful that God continues to remind me of these Truths. Again and again. And again and again. You're welcome for the reminder. :)
Monday, July 21, 2014
"Celebrating" diabetes
Twenty years ago today, my life was turned upside down. As was my parents and siblings. My mom talks about how she thought I was going to die the night they brought me into the ER. I don't remember a lot of it at first, other than waking up in the hospital and being poked again and again. And again and again. Forcing my family to sit through hours of education day after day, injecting oranges and pricking their own fingers to have an idea of what I was experiencing. I hated it.
People often say, "I don't know how you do it...I could never do it. I hate shots/needles/blood/etc." When it comes down to being a matter of life and death, the thing you hate doesn't seem as bad. The thing I hate most is that diabetes affects everything and everything affects diabetes. I blame my control freak nature on diabetes. I have always had to be ready for what could or might happen and couldn't rely on anyone else to know when I'm high or low or something isn't right. I vividly remember sitting at an appointment, reading a book oblivious to anything while Dr. Lamberty told my mom what we (she) needed to know. He called me out and told me to pay attention and that this was my disease and I needed to take care of it. Welcome independence and self-sufficiency...
And then there are nurses... Nurses are a big deal. I remember Mary Jorgenson being one of my nurses and how kind and gentle she was. She probably has no idea who I am, but I remember her. I still remember another nurse who was not kind and gentle and was sassy at my dad when they moved me out of ICU-I'll leave her name out. There was a male nurse, which was almost unheard of back then, I think his name was Leroy...he was my favorite. He hid in the closet one night and tried to scare my visitors. Such simple things, but for a scared nine-year old, they were huge. I have met so many people the last twenty years I would not have met had it not been for my diabetes. Camp Needlepoint in Hudson, WI, was like heaven growing up. It was the two weeks of summer I felt normal. It gave me a confidence I didn't know I was missing and taught me that diabetes doesn't have to restrict me from doing anything. If you know a kid with diabetes, send them to Camp Needlepoint or any diabetes camp-it will change their life.
Being exposed to doctors, nurses, dietitians and nurse educators showed me the impact (good and bad) one person can have on an individual and family's life. I don't think I would've considered the nursing field without my diabetes. I often joke that that's why I got diabetes-to direct me into nursing. And keep me semi-responsible. Many days, I get these crazy ideas like joining the circus or hitchhiking across the country. And then I remember that I need health insurance to help pay for these stinking drugs and supplies. So I keep working...
I never dreamed I would feel so loved and blessed and that thinking about having diabetes for twenty years would be such a good day. I'm so thankful for my family, friends and co-workers who gave gifts, sent messages, cards, texts and reminded me today how lucky I am to be alive! I think about the good things God has done through a horrible circumstance and am reminded of His goodness and provision. He will take care of me-whether it's financially, insurance, doctors or the strength and energy to get through the day, He continues to show me that He is enough.
People often say, "I don't know how you do it...I could never do it. I hate shots/needles/blood/etc." When it comes down to being a matter of life and death, the thing you hate doesn't seem as bad. The thing I hate most is that diabetes affects everything and everything affects diabetes. I blame my control freak nature on diabetes. I have always had to be ready for what could or might happen and couldn't rely on anyone else to know when I'm high or low or something isn't right. I vividly remember sitting at an appointment, reading a book oblivious to anything while Dr. Lamberty told my mom what we (she) needed to know. He called me out and told me to pay attention and that this was my disease and I needed to take care of it. Welcome independence and self-sufficiency...
And then there are nurses... Nurses are a big deal. I remember Mary Jorgenson being one of my nurses and how kind and gentle she was. She probably has no idea who I am, but I remember her. I still remember another nurse who was not kind and gentle and was sassy at my dad when they moved me out of ICU-I'll leave her name out. There was a male nurse, which was almost unheard of back then, I think his name was Leroy...he was my favorite. He hid in the closet one night and tried to scare my visitors. Such simple things, but for a scared nine-year old, they were huge. I have met so many people the last twenty years I would not have met had it not been for my diabetes. Camp Needlepoint in Hudson, WI, was like heaven growing up. It was the two weeks of summer I felt normal. It gave me a confidence I didn't know I was missing and taught me that diabetes doesn't have to restrict me from doing anything. If you know a kid with diabetes, send them to Camp Needlepoint or any diabetes camp-it will change their life.
Being exposed to doctors, nurses, dietitians and nurse educators showed me the impact (good and bad) one person can have on an individual and family's life. I don't think I would've considered the nursing field without my diabetes. I often joke that that's why I got diabetes-to direct me into nursing. And keep me semi-responsible. Many days, I get these crazy ideas like joining the circus or hitchhiking across the country. And then I remember that I need health insurance to help pay for these stinking drugs and supplies. So I keep working...
I never dreamed I would feel so loved and blessed and that thinking about having diabetes for twenty years would be such a good day. I'm so thankful for my family, friends and co-workers who gave gifts, sent messages, cards, texts and reminded me today how lucky I am to be alive! I think about the good things God has done through a horrible circumstance and am reminded of His goodness and provision. He will take care of me-whether it's financially, insurance, doctors or the strength and energy to get through the day, He continues to show me that He is enough.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Note to self...
I came across this blog post through the (in)courage website and know it will be a good reminder to come back to so am posting the link here...I really think you should read it. My favorite part was this question:
"when I consider opportunities, I think, will I be happy I did this when I am 75 and look back on my life?"
Until next time...
"when I consider opportunities, I think, will I be happy I did this when I am 75 and look back on my life?"
Until next time...
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Stuff, stuff and more stuff.
Being a home care and hospice nurse has taught me so many things. I knew that I was blessed and fortunate with the things I had, like a roof over my head, bed to sleep in, food in my fridge and family who loves me (at least most of the time) :).
What I didn't quite realize was how much I really have and how wealthy I am. I don't mean that to sound rude/snobby, but it's so American to always want more, better and bigger. I have all sorts of luxuries, but compared to other people I know, I'm lacking. I don't have cable t.v. I get one channel. I don't own a smart phone. I don't have a flat screen t.v. I rent an old run down house that has flooring that looks like it's from oh, probably the 70's or so. I don't have a dishwasher, other than my two hands. I have an ipod, but it's at least three years old and has been washed, so doesn't work all the time. To me, I was "doing okay", but never considered myself to be that well off. The more I learn, the more I realize it's all in perspective and money and "stuff" is so irrelevant.
I've met so many people who have much less than I do, but are just as happy, if not happier. Being a hospice nurse is a constant reminder to me that all those "things" are worthless. They are nice for the time being, but when the rubber meets the road, nobody cares about those things. It's always about people and relationships. I have yet to hear a dying person talk about how they are so happy that they worked so hard to earn so much money to inherit all those amazing possessions. They generally speak of people in their lives. The family and friends who have helped them along life's journey and the stories and memories that come along with it.
I have been convicted lately that I waste a lot in my life. I waste a lot of time on useless things. I often find myself going out to eat because I hardly have any groceries, but yet throw out moldy food because I didn't use it. I could go on and on.
Please don't hear me say that having things is wrong. I'm not saying that either. I know some people who are much wealthier than you or I, but they use what they have been given for God's glory and are very generous and hospitable people.
Personally, I have felt the need to cut back myself and be more generous to others. I came across a book on someone's blog and then actually saw the book a couple days ago at Barnes and Noble. The book is called "7" by Jen Hatmaker. She takes seven areas (food, clothes, spending, media, possessions, waste and stress), one each month and makes seven simple choices to fight back against the modern-day disease of greed, materialism and overindulgence. It sounds a big extreme, doesn't it? Myself and a couple others have decided to give it a try. There is always strength in numbers when doing something like this. So how about you? Do you want to try it with us? I just started reading the book and for example, the first month is food. She only allowed herself to eat seven foods for one month. (Ridiculous, I know!!!) Not only does it make us aware of the excess in our lives, but the fasting helps us to focus on God and what He has to teach and show us. But my heart is as she worded, "Jesus, may there be less of me and my junk and more of You and Your kingdom."
I'm hoping to start in the next couple weeks. If you're interested in joining me for this endeavor, comment or send me a message/email. Happy Labor Day! :)
What I didn't quite realize was how much I really have and how wealthy I am. I don't mean that to sound rude/snobby, but it's so American to always want more, better and bigger. I have all sorts of luxuries, but compared to other people I know, I'm lacking. I don't have cable t.v. I get one channel. I don't own a smart phone. I don't have a flat screen t.v. I rent an old run down house that has flooring that looks like it's from oh, probably the 70's or so. I don't have a dishwasher, other than my two hands. I have an ipod, but it's at least three years old and has been washed, so doesn't work all the time. To me, I was "doing okay", but never considered myself to be that well off. The more I learn, the more I realize it's all in perspective and money and "stuff" is so irrelevant.
I've met so many people who have much less than I do, but are just as happy, if not happier. Being a hospice nurse is a constant reminder to me that all those "things" are worthless. They are nice for the time being, but when the rubber meets the road, nobody cares about those things. It's always about people and relationships. I have yet to hear a dying person talk about how they are so happy that they worked so hard to earn so much money to inherit all those amazing possessions. They generally speak of people in their lives. The family and friends who have helped them along life's journey and the stories and memories that come along with it.
I have been convicted lately that I waste a lot in my life. I waste a lot of time on useless things. I often find myself going out to eat because I hardly have any groceries, but yet throw out moldy food because I didn't use it. I could go on and on.
Please don't hear me say that having things is wrong. I'm not saying that either. I know some people who are much wealthier than you or I, but they use what they have been given for God's glory and are very generous and hospitable people.
Personally, I have felt the need to cut back myself and be more generous to others. I came across a book on someone's blog and then actually saw the book a couple days ago at Barnes and Noble. The book is called "7" by Jen Hatmaker. She takes seven areas (food, clothes, spending, media, possessions, waste and stress), one each month and makes seven simple choices to fight back against the modern-day disease of greed, materialism and overindulgence. It sounds a big extreme, doesn't it? Myself and a couple others have decided to give it a try. There is always strength in numbers when doing something like this. So how about you? Do you want to try it with us? I just started reading the book and for example, the first month is food. She only allowed herself to eat seven foods for one month. (Ridiculous, I know!!!) Not only does it make us aware of the excess in our lives, but the fasting helps us to focus on God and what He has to teach and show us. But my heart is as she worded, "Jesus, may there be less of me and my junk and more of You and Your kingdom."
I'm hoping to start in the next couple weeks. If you're interested in joining me for this endeavor, comment or send me a message/email. Happy Labor Day! :)
Monday, April 9, 2012
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter just doesn't seem like enough. It just doesn't do justice for what actually took place.
I was talking with a good friend tonight and we were talking about what "Easter" really means. That Easter Sunday is a day of celebration, but when you think about Friday and what Jesus did for you and I, wow!!! I've been called a heartless person a time or two before because I don't easily cry (particularly over sappy movies), but when I think about Jesus on the cross so that I could spend eternity in heaven with my Lord, that brings me to tears.
A few years ago, I heard someone make it very personal... Picturing Jesus on the cross, asking God, "Isn't there any other way this can be done?! There has to be another way that Jenny Steinkopf from Wadena can spend eternity with her Lord! But if there isn't, if this is THE only way for her to have eternal life, then I will do it. I will pay the penalty due for her sins. Because I love her."
I will admit though. I went through Easter Sunday and don't get me wrong, I was thankful and thought about how great it was that Jesus died for my sins and PRAISE GOD He rose and the tomb was empty. Yea God. But I didn't really celebrate. So often, I take it for granted. The gruesomeness of the crucifixion. How horrible of a thing that was done to Jesus so that I could have eternal life. That He would pay the penalty due for my sins. And that Jesus would willingly die that gruesome death knowing the things I would do, say and think and how short I would fall of His glorious standard of perfection. Despite all my messiness and muck, He still said, "I love her."
I may suck. This world may suck. Circumstances may suck. But God does not! He has risen...He has risen indeed!!! Oh that wonderful cross! HAPPY EASTER! :)
I was talking with a good friend tonight and we were talking about what "Easter" really means. That Easter Sunday is a day of celebration, but when you think about Friday and what Jesus did for you and I, wow!!! I've been called a heartless person a time or two before because I don't easily cry (particularly over sappy movies), but when I think about Jesus on the cross so that I could spend eternity in heaven with my Lord, that brings me to tears.
A few years ago, I heard someone make it very personal... Picturing Jesus on the cross, asking God, "Isn't there any other way this can be done?! There has to be another way that Jenny Steinkopf from Wadena can spend eternity with her Lord! But if there isn't, if this is THE only way for her to have eternal life, then I will do it. I will pay the penalty due for her sins. Because I love her."
I will admit though. I went through Easter Sunday and don't get me wrong, I was thankful and thought about how great it was that Jesus died for my sins and PRAISE GOD He rose and the tomb was empty. Yea God. But I didn't really celebrate. So often, I take it for granted. The gruesomeness of the crucifixion. How horrible of a thing that was done to Jesus so that I could have eternal life. That He would pay the penalty due for my sins. And that Jesus would willingly die that gruesome death knowing the things I would do, say and think and how short I would fall of His glorious standard of perfection. Despite all my messiness and muck, He still said, "I love her."
I may suck. This world may suck. Circumstances may suck. But God does not! He has risen...He has risen indeed!!! Oh that wonderful cross! HAPPY EASTER! :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Ramblings from me....
It's crazy to think that I've already been back from Africa for about six weeks. Time has been flying. I got to show my aunt, Mary, and my grandma my picture slideshow tonight and looking at pictures again makes me miss it.
I've thought a little bit about how this plays into my life and such and honestly, I have no idea. Some days, I feel like I should go back and other days I feel like I should stay here. I loved it there, I really did. I guess right now, I'm at a point where I feel like I'm meant to continue life here, at least until I pay off my student loans.
I feel like the last year or so, God has been teaching me a lot about His character and who He is. Realizing that even though life never stops changing and is always crazy, He is still good, despite my circumstances or whatever else is going on or falling apart around me. Coming to that place of saying, "Yep, this sucks. It's not fair. This is horribly wrong. But God is still GOOD." We live in a messy world full of bad things happening to good people. And I'm not saying that things don't matter or that they don't suck, but coming to that place of understanding that even though it doesn't make sense, God is sovereign and He is still God. Actually believing that God's plan for my life is better than mine and trying to come to that place of total surrender to be open to what that perfect plan is.
I'm not saying my life is great and I have it all figured out and all together. Ha...that's funny. There are many days I get discouraged that I'm at this point and single, but do realize it's through the seasons of feeling lonely that have pushed me closer to God. I realize that there are many things I would miss out on if I were in a relationship with a significant other. I can pick up and leave at any given moment because it's just me. Instead of pouring time and energy into a significant other, I can pour it into ministering to and encouraging other people.
I continue to be amazed by the unconditional grace, love and mercy that is showered on me by the King of Kings. And that I get to be an heir to His throne. Me!? A sinner. But a sinner who is saved by Jesus Christ. That's all for now.
I've thought a little bit about how this plays into my life and such and honestly, I have no idea. Some days, I feel like I should go back and other days I feel like I should stay here. I loved it there, I really did. I guess right now, I'm at a point where I feel like I'm meant to continue life here, at least until I pay off my student loans.
I feel like the last year or so, God has been teaching me a lot about His character and who He is. Realizing that even though life never stops changing and is always crazy, He is still good, despite my circumstances or whatever else is going on or falling apart around me. Coming to that place of saying, "Yep, this sucks. It's not fair. This is horribly wrong. But God is still GOOD." We live in a messy world full of bad things happening to good people. And I'm not saying that things don't matter or that they don't suck, but coming to that place of understanding that even though it doesn't make sense, God is sovereign and He is still God. Actually believing that God's plan for my life is better than mine and trying to come to that place of total surrender to be open to what that perfect plan is.
I'm not saying my life is great and I have it all figured out and all together. Ha...that's funny. There are many days I get discouraged that I'm at this point and single, but do realize it's through the seasons of feeling lonely that have pushed me closer to God. I realize that there are many things I would miss out on if I were in a relationship with a significant other. I can pick up and leave at any given moment because it's just me. Instead of pouring time and energy into a significant other, I can pour it into ministering to and encouraging other people.
I continue to be amazed by the unconditional grace, love and mercy that is showered on me by the King of Kings. And that I get to be an heir to His throne. Me!? A sinner. But a sinner who is saved by Jesus Christ. That's all for now.
Monday, November 14, 2011
For those of you who couldn't be in church, here's what I shared:
I’m still processing this whole Africa thing. I can’t believe that I’ve already gone and been back for a few weeks. It has been a continual learning process of learning more and more about God and myself. I could ramble on and on about so many different things so I tried to pick some highlights and tell you about those.
God taught and showed me a lot of things about His character. He used His Word to show me Truth and reveal more about Himself to me and remind me of the Promises I have been given through His Word.
As I was preparing for this trip, the weeks and months before, I would often question God. Was He sure He wanted to send me?! Surely, there must be someone else who could do more than I could. But He continued to open doors, so I kept walking. One verse that sticks out is actually our verse for Project 14:21, that comes from John 14:21. It says, “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, He is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my father and I too will love Him and show myself to him.” And God did just that before, during and after my trip. He has continued to show Himself to me in new ways.
Several weeks before I left, I was frustrated with myself. I felt like I knew these Bible verses in my head, but I wanted to practically apply them in my day to day life. I wanted it to move from head knowledge to heart knowledge and to really believe the things I was saying. And then came the Travel Document Agency…I vividly remember the day I got off the phone with the man who told me they didn’t have my documents yet. I remember crying and thinking, “God!!! I’ve been telling everyone how certain I am that you have called me to go on this trip and now this!!” and it was like He said, “Do you trust me?” and I thought, “Well, of course I trust you. The Bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. In all your ways, acknowledge him and He will direct your paths.” And to “seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you.” God I know that, but what about my documents?! And again He said, “Do you really trust me?” It was so easy to say I trusted God and recite those verses, but when I heard my documents weren’t there, I sure didn’t act like I trusted Him. Of course He knew the documents were lost, He’s God!!! Another verse that has stuck out through all this is 2 Corinthians 9:8, which says, “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need (including travel documents), you will abound in every good work.” And God did that too. I had literally everything I needed for this trip. I never felt in need for anything.
My earnest prayer in preparing for this trip was that I would see people and things as God sees them. That my heart would be broken with the things that break God’s heart. And He gave me a new perspective. Everything in Africa was so beautiful. The people were all beautiful and I was constantly reminded that these people are God’s children. It just seemed so natural to love them like Jesus would. And then I left. There was that annoying kid on the airplane who screamed the entire last hour. And then that rude lady at the grocery store. That client I saw that one day wasn’t very nice either. I found that I quickly was losing those eyes and loving wasn’t so natural. But these people are all God’s children too. Why hadn’t I earnestly prayed that prayer before I left? Or what had changed since I left Africa? It says in Matthew 25:40, “And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.”
Something that has been on my heart especially since I returned is this idea of community. The church community that is talked about in the book of Acts in particular. It says in Acts 2: 42-47, “And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.”
And then in Acts 4:32, it goes on and says “Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common.” I’m no Bible scholar, but I don’t think this means that we have to sell everything we own and be together all the time. But I do think that God makes it very clear that as Christians we are meant to have a certain sense of community and vulnerability with one another that’s not necessarily “normal” in the world’s eyes. So I’ve found myself asking God what that would look like. What would that community look like here in Wadena in 2011?
Several people have asked me if I’ll be going back to Africa. That’s a good question. Part of the trip, I could see myself doing medical missions and other parts of the trip, not so much. Some of you know that I struggle with contentment. I often wonder if I’m in the place that God wants me to be right now. God really used this trip to remind me that He is enough no matter where I am. Whether I’m in Wadena or Africa or somewhere else, He tells me in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I’m just an ordinary girl serving an extraordinary God. I’m not sure exactly where He wants me or what’s coming next and to be honest, that scares me some days. But I do know that I am a daughter of the King of Kings and when I’m at the center of His will, I’m in the safest place there is.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Merci, merci!!!! :)
Well, I finally made it back to Bongolo. Long story short....I decided to fly from Libreville to Bongolo and vice versa to "save time." Normally, I guess it's about a ten hour drive, which means it's about an hour flight. Simple enough, right?
Today, it was a get picked up at 10 a.m. by Philipe to drive about two hours to the airport, which is normal and then proceed to wait for about four and a half hours, make the short flight, which for a few minutes, I thought I was going to die, but thankfully made it back to Libreville about 6:30ish. It was a long day, but made for great time at the airport to read my Bible and spend some time with God thinking about all the things He's been teaching me.
I can't believe I'm down to only a copule of days already. Tomorrow morning, we're going to Hope House, the abandoned children's home and then to the beach, weather pending. It's the rainy season. Hot, humid and wet weather that this girl does not particularly care for. But such is life.
Anyhow, thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers. My time here has been such a blessing and calling it amazing is an understatement. There are so many people here who love the Lord and are faithfully and selflessly serving Him, both missionaries and local Gabonaise people. I'm so blessed.
Today, it was a get picked up at 10 a.m. by Philipe to drive about two hours to the airport, which is normal and then proceed to wait for about four and a half hours, make the short flight, which for a few minutes, I thought I was going to die, but thankfully made it back to Libreville about 6:30ish. It was a long day, but made for great time at the airport to read my Bible and spend some time with God thinking about all the things He's been teaching me.
I can't believe I'm down to only a copule of days already. Tomorrow morning, we're going to Hope House, the abandoned children's home and then to the beach, weather pending. It's the rainy season. Hot, humid and wet weather that this girl does not particularly care for. But such is life.
Anyhow, thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers. My time here has been such a blessing and calling it amazing is an understatement. There are so many people here who love the Lord and are faithfully and selflessly serving Him, both missionaries and local Gabonaise people. I'm so blessed.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Am I dreaming?! Someone pinch me!
Today is day five and I still can't believe I'm actually in Africa. It's unreal. It has been interesting to say the least. I've met lots of new people and seen a couple of the clinics that the Gabonaise run here in Libreville. We did mobile clinics on Tuesday and Wednesday with people from the Alliance church. I've had the chance to get to know Hannah and Leanne, Envision workers in Libreville, as well as CHristy, who is an intern at Hope House.
Tomorrow morning they are going to drop me off at the airport to head to Bongolo until next Friday. I'm a little nervous since I only know "Bonjour" and "Bien" in French. I just don't think saying "hello" and "fine" will do much for me if I have any problems. But they are sending me with a phone and people to contact if I have problems. (Don't worry Mom! Or Shelly!!!)
Enough for now, just wanted to update quick and say hi and thank you for all your prayers. I can tell so many of you are praying.
Good nite from Africa! :)
Tomorrow morning they are going to drop me off at the airport to head to Bongolo until next Friday. I'm a little nervous since I only know "Bonjour" and "Bien" in French. I just don't think saying "hello" and "fine" will do much for me if I have any problems. But they are sending me with a phone and people to contact if I have problems. (Don't worry Mom! Or Shelly!!!)
Enough for now, just wanted to update quick and say hi and thank you for all your prayers. I can tell so many of you are praying.
Good nite from Africa! :)
Friday, September 30, 2011
Rounding off!
Well, I'm still not totally packed yet, but just wanted to post once more before I go....
I have been overwhelmed today and yesterday with phone calls, texts and people asking me if I got my documents and telling me how excited they are for me and reminding me they're praying for me.
My church is having it's annual mission's conference weekend where a missionary couple comes and speaks through various events. Tonight was the "international dinner" and the couple spoke about their lives and how they were called to missions. It was soooooo encouraging! They had a great message too about not carrying my culture stuff into the culture I'm going into. He talked about being a "square" in a "circle" culture and how I need to "round off my corners" so I'm not as square because I won't be in a square culture. (Kind of one of those 'you had to be there' type analogies...) Anyhow, I'm probably going to be up way later than I wanted to because I waited so long to pack, but it was so worth it! Thank you Bonnie and Virgil Adams!!!
I'm getting anxious to see what the Lord has in store!!! I begin to wonder what this trip will lead to....
I'm not sure if I'll be able to update while I'm gone or not, but one way or another, you'll hear from me soon! :)
I have been overwhelmed today and yesterday with phone calls, texts and people asking me if I got my documents and telling me how excited they are for me and reminding me they're praying for me.
My church is having it's annual mission's conference weekend where a missionary couple comes and speaks through various events. Tonight was the "international dinner" and the couple spoke about their lives and how they were called to missions. It was soooooo encouraging! They had a great message too about not carrying my culture stuff into the culture I'm going into. He talked about being a "square" in a "circle" culture and how I need to "round off my corners" so I'm not as square because I won't be in a square culture. (Kind of one of those 'you had to be there' type analogies...) Anyhow, I'm probably going to be up way later than I wanted to because I waited so long to pack, but it was so worth it! Thank you Bonnie and Virgil Adams!!!
I'm getting anxious to see what the Lord has in store!!! I begin to wonder what this trip will lead to....
I'm not sure if I'll be able to update while I'm gone or not, but one way or another, you'll hear from me soon! :)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Three days. Plenty of time for travel documents to arrive, right?!
Yep, still no travel documents.
I came home tonight and saw a package on the table that I thought was my travel documents. Nope. It was my shirt from the Walk for Alzheimer's I did last Saturday. I've never been so disappointed to get a free shirt.
I'm reminded today that I can't just trust God one day and then get discouraged and upset a few days later when life hasn't fallen back into place again. I need to remind myself that God is bigger than the mail system and however I think this all needs to happen and if He wants me to go to Gabon, it will arrive. It will.
I cannot tell you how many times I actually think about the fact that I'm supposed to leave in a few days and don't have my stuff and I feel like I'm going to vomit. And then I'm reminded that it's out of my control and whatever is meant to happen, will.
I think I'm just going to bed. I'm exhausted. Please pray.
I came home tonight and saw a package on the table that I thought was my travel documents. Nope. It was my shirt from the Walk for Alzheimer's I did last Saturday. I've never been so disappointed to get a free shirt.
I'm reminded today that I can't just trust God one day and then get discouraged and upset a few days later when life hasn't fallen back into place again. I need to remind myself that God is bigger than the mail system and however I think this all needs to happen and if He wants me to go to Gabon, it will arrive. It will.
I cannot tell you how many times I actually think about the fact that I'm supposed to leave in a few days and don't have my stuff and I feel like I'm going to vomit. And then I'm reminded that it's out of my control and whatever is meant to happen, will.
I think I'm just going to bed. I'm exhausted. Please pray.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
T minus five days...
Well, I'm not sure where the time has gone, but I leave this coming Saturday!!! Wait....what?!?!?!?!?
I still haven't received my visa and passport. I called TDS (travel document agency) Friday to see if I had to sign for the package when it came and the first guy I talked to gave me the "your name isn't in our system" line. Freaked out for a minute and then he talked to so-and-so who was taking it to the Embassy and told me it should be sent out that day and I could expect to receive it Monday or Tuesday.
I had a little road block with trying to get my insulin pump supplies, but I had this amazing woman (Tracie from Medtronic) who went above and beyond and figured everything out and said I should receive that stuff Monday as well. It will feel like Christmas this week with all these lovely packages arriving! :)
It still doesn't seem real that I'm going. I work all week and have to pack yet, which makes me want to vomit. This morning, my church had a special time of praying for me and Pastor Vaughn asked me what I was expecting God to do on this trip, or something along those lines. Good question....I'm not totally sure. I've learned so many things and been reminded of so many things through just preparing for this trip that I can't wait to see what else God has. I'm trying to be as open-minded as possible and not have too many expectations because I know that often things don't go how I planned or imagined....clearly!
I feel a bit basket-caseish and everyonce in awhile start to fret about all that needs to happen before I leave Saturday morning. But the biggest thing I've learned and been reminded of time and time again is that God is in control and He will take care of it. He doesn't need my help. He doesn't need me to go to Africa to work with these sick people. He doesn't need me to go tell these people that there is a God who created them and loves them and wants a personal relationship with them. He doesn't need me to do any of it. But I get to!!! I get to be a part of His plan for it all. And for that I am soooo blessed.
Please be praying that I take extra time this week to sit and be still before God. I've found in the last few weeks, I've neglected that a little bit. I've been so "busy trying to get everything ready." (Stupid excuse, I know...) I do that more than I would like to admit. I'm a doer and a server and justify it because 'I'm doing it for Jesus,' but sometimes I forget that it doesn't really matter what I do for Him if I'm not spending time with Him. So pray that I don't get so caught up in being His hands and feet that I miss time spent with Him.
Thank you so much for all your prayers, donations, support and encouragement. I cannot tell you how blessed I am by each of you. God blows me away with who I run into just when I need a little extra encouragement and He has affirmed this trip through so many of you as well. I cannot say thank you enough!
I hope you find Truth in this verse, it's one of my favorites: Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (NIV)
I still haven't received my visa and passport. I called TDS (travel document agency) Friday to see if I had to sign for the package when it came and the first guy I talked to gave me the "your name isn't in our system" line. Freaked out for a minute and then he talked to so-and-so who was taking it to the Embassy and told me it should be sent out that day and I could expect to receive it Monday or Tuesday.
I had a little road block with trying to get my insulin pump supplies, but I had this amazing woman (Tracie from Medtronic) who went above and beyond and figured everything out and said I should receive that stuff Monday as well. It will feel like Christmas this week with all these lovely packages arriving! :)
It still doesn't seem real that I'm going. I work all week and have to pack yet, which makes me want to vomit. This morning, my church had a special time of praying for me and Pastor Vaughn asked me what I was expecting God to do on this trip, or something along those lines. Good question....I'm not totally sure. I've learned so many things and been reminded of so many things through just preparing for this trip that I can't wait to see what else God has. I'm trying to be as open-minded as possible and not have too many expectations because I know that often things don't go how I planned or imagined....clearly!
I feel a bit basket-caseish and everyonce in awhile start to fret about all that needs to happen before I leave Saturday morning. But the biggest thing I've learned and been reminded of time and time again is that God is in control and He will take care of it. He doesn't need my help. He doesn't need me to go to Africa to work with these sick people. He doesn't need me to go tell these people that there is a God who created them and loves them and wants a personal relationship with them. He doesn't need me to do any of it. But I get to!!! I get to be a part of His plan for it all. And for that I am soooo blessed.
Please be praying that I take extra time this week to sit and be still before God. I've found in the last few weeks, I've neglected that a little bit. I've been so "busy trying to get everything ready." (Stupid excuse, I know...) I do that more than I would like to admit. I'm a doer and a server and justify it because 'I'm doing it for Jesus,' but sometimes I forget that it doesn't really matter what I do for Him if I'm not spending time with Him. So pray that I don't get so caught up in being His hands and feet that I miss time spent with Him.
Thank you so much for all your prayers, donations, support and encouragement. I cannot tell you how blessed I am by each of you. God blows me away with who I run into just when I need a little extra encouragement and He has affirmed this trip through so many of you as well. I cannot say thank you enough!
I hope you find Truth in this verse, it's one of my favorites: Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:38 (NIV)
Monday, September 19, 2011
The rest of the story! (sorry I got a little lengthy...)
Gosh, so much has happened since my last post....:) Let me catch you up to speed for those of you I haven't talked to or weren't in church on Sunday...
Thursday afternoon/evening, I printed out all the papers and had everything filled out. All I needed to do was get my yellow fever vaccination stuff (From the Brainerd Clinic), obtain more passport photos (Via Rex McDonald studio in Wadena) and mail it all back to Washington D.C per Fed Ex (drop box in Long Prairie, where I had to go for work-perfect.). Simple enough, right? Oh no. The lady at the clinic informed me that she was getting over an upper respiratory illness and wasn't feeling well. The doctor who had to sign my vaccination from was not in Friday. I asked if he would be in Monday and she informed me that she had a busy day that day and "didn't know if she'd have time." I politely informed her that I was sure she had more than enough work to do, but that I'm supposed to leave the country October 1st and would really appreciate her help in any way. She basically had zero interest in helping me, so as I'm breaking down in tears, I say, "Can you just call me as soon as you can help me get this taken care of?" and I hung up. And cried. Again. So I try to pull it together to go get my passport photos taken-lovely pictures-thankfully they were able to just reprint my previous ones so I didn't have sad, teary-eyed passport photos. :) I then proceed to call the gentleman at TDS (Travel Document services---the place I sent everything to in Washington D.C) and the operator transfers me to "Alex" who is supposed to help me. Well, wouldn't you know that Alex was not in his office ALL DAY on Friday. I get his voicemail and am frustrated-I just want to talk to someone who can help me! But wait! His inbox is full so I can't even leave a message. I called back to TDS probably at least ten times Friday and either got the general voicemail or Alex's voicemail. I even told the operator that this guys inbox is full and asked if there was someone else who could help me. He assured me there was and proceeded to transfer me....to Alex's voicemail. ah!!!!
So Friday, I was a bit of a wreck. Finally, I realized that it was Friday and there was nothing else that I could do. I was still confident that God wanted me to go on this trip, but was still questioning how this was all going to pan out. I kept repeating to myself, Philippians 4:6, which says, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." God commands me not to worry. Over the course of the weekend, I can honestly say that I was at total peace about this mess. I allowed God to have control and still felt confident that in some crazy, amazing way, He would get this taken care of and provide what I needed to do it. I was totally content with whatever was going to happen. I knew that if it didn't work out, for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to go. Would it have been a struggle? Heck yes. I kept thinking of all the people who have supported me and what if I didn't go?!?! But I was completely surrendered to the will of God and whatever that looked like. I don't know that I've ever felt so content and peaceful about such chaos in my life. I was sooo encouraged in church on Sunday by so many people who asked where things were at and reminded me they were praying.
Last night, I reviewed all my paperwork and made sure I had everything in order. Even made extra copies (just in case). I had to work for a few hours and then was planning to head to Brainerd to hopefully get my vaccination stuff from the lady at the clinic, have the court house staff sign my documents and seal them and then head to the Fed Ex office to send it all away. Again. While I'm driving to Brainerd, I decided to call TDS one last time to see if my stuff "magically" appeared and I had to ask a few questions to make sure I was resending everything correctly. The operator transfers me to some guy who proceeds to check and tells me I'm still not in the system and they haven't received anything. At this point, I'm so crunched for time, that TDS requires you to make an "appointment" to have your documents signed and pay a lot of money to expedite this process. So I ask this guy how I set up this appointment and he transfers me to another guy. While I'm talking to this man, he asks for my name because he sorts the mail everyday and "if my stuff arrives, they don't want to double issue everything." So I tell him my name and he informs me I don't need this appointment, but to just send everything in. I'm getting ready to hang up and he's like, "Wait...hold on a second..." Could it be!?!?!?!?!? He tells me he's just getting the mail from Friday.... and then he says, "Jennifer L. Steinkopf....yep, here's your passport, visa application...yep, it's all here!" Me: ARE YOU KIDDING?! (He probably thought I was crazy....)
I just laugh. I've been saying how I want to practically apply the things I say I believe. I want it to move beyond head knowledge to heart knowledge and truly living it in my day-to-day life. I also just mentioned how much I struggle with control. What an opportunity to give up control and apply my talk lately of how God is faithful and provides. I'm not saying I enjoyed going through this mess, that's pushing it. However, it was such a great reminder that God always takes care of it and goes above and beyond. And that what happens isn't always what I want or had planned or how I expected it go, but when I quit trying to do it my way and control everything and let God do His thing, it's all good.
Thursday afternoon/evening, I printed out all the papers and had everything filled out. All I needed to do was get my yellow fever vaccination stuff (From the Brainerd Clinic), obtain more passport photos (Via Rex McDonald studio in Wadena) and mail it all back to Washington D.C per Fed Ex (drop box in Long Prairie, where I had to go for work-perfect.). Simple enough, right? Oh no. The lady at the clinic informed me that she was getting over an upper respiratory illness and wasn't feeling well. The doctor who had to sign my vaccination from was not in Friday. I asked if he would be in Monday and she informed me that she had a busy day that day and "didn't know if she'd have time." I politely informed her that I was sure she had more than enough work to do, but that I'm supposed to leave the country October 1st and would really appreciate her help in any way. She basically had zero interest in helping me, so as I'm breaking down in tears, I say, "Can you just call me as soon as you can help me get this taken care of?" and I hung up. And cried. Again. So I try to pull it together to go get my passport photos taken-lovely pictures-thankfully they were able to just reprint my previous ones so I didn't have sad, teary-eyed passport photos. :) I then proceed to call the gentleman at TDS (Travel Document services---the place I sent everything to in Washington D.C) and the operator transfers me to "Alex" who is supposed to help me. Well, wouldn't you know that Alex was not in his office ALL DAY on Friday. I get his voicemail and am frustrated-I just want to talk to someone who can help me! But wait! His inbox is full so I can't even leave a message. I called back to TDS probably at least ten times Friday and either got the general voicemail or Alex's voicemail. I even told the operator that this guys inbox is full and asked if there was someone else who could help me. He assured me there was and proceeded to transfer me....to Alex's voicemail. ah!!!!
So Friday, I was a bit of a wreck. Finally, I realized that it was Friday and there was nothing else that I could do. I was still confident that God wanted me to go on this trip, but was still questioning how this was all going to pan out. I kept repeating to myself, Philippians 4:6, which says, "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." God commands me not to worry. Over the course of the weekend, I can honestly say that I was at total peace about this mess. I allowed God to have control and still felt confident that in some crazy, amazing way, He would get this taken care of and provide what I needed to do it. I was totally content with whatever was going to happen. I knew that if it didn't work out, for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to go. Would it have been a struggle? Heck yes. I kept thinking of all the people who have supported me and what if I didn't go?!?! But I was completely surrendered to the will of God and whatever that looked like. I don't know that I've ever felt so content and peaceful about such chaos in my life. I was sooo encouraged in church on Sunday by so many people who asked where things were at and reminded me they were praying.
Last night, I reviewed all my paperwork and made sure I had everything in order. Even made extra copies (just in case). I had to work for a few hours and then was planning to head to Brainerd to hopefully get my vaccination stuff from the lady at the clinic, have the court house staff sign my documents and seal them and then head to the Fed Ex office to send it all away. Again. While I'm driving to Brainerd, I decided to call TDS one last time to see if my stuff "magically" appeared and I had to ask a few questions to make sure I was resending everything correctly. The operator transfers me to some guy who proceeds to check and tells me I'm still not in the system and they haven't received anything. At this point, I'm so crunched for time, that TDS requires you to make an "appointment" to have your documents signed and pay a lot of money to expedite this process. So I ask this guy how I set up this appointment and he transfers me to another guy. While I'm talking to this man, he asks for my name because he sorts the mail everyday and "if my stuff arrives, they don't want to double issue everything." So I tell him my name and he informs me I don't need this appointment, but to just send everything in. I'm getting ready to hang up and he's like, "Wait...hold on a second..." Could it be!?!?!?!?!? He tells me he's just getting the mail from Friday.... and then he says, "Jennifer L. Steinkopf....yep, here's your passport, visa application...yep, it's all here!" Me: ARE YOU KIDDING?! (He probably thought I was crazy....)
I just laugh. I've been saying how I want to practically apply the things I say I believe. I want it to move beyond head knowledge to heart knowledge and truly living it in my day-to-day life. I also just mentioned how much I struggle with control. What an opportunity to give up control and apply my talk lately of how God is faithful and provides. I'm not saying I enjoyed going through this mess, that's pushing it. However, it was such a great reminder that God always takes care of it and goes above and beyond. And that what happens isn't always what I want or had planned or how I expected it go, but when I quit trying to do it my way and control everything and let God do His thing, it's all good.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Dear United States Postal Service, Please return my passport and other documents STAT! Love, Jenny
Yep, that's right folks, my passport, yellow fever/immunization record and check/application for my visa are lost in the mail. I fly out in fifteen days. Just lovely.....
The travel document service agency website says it takes about a week to process to get the visa so I was starting to get a little worried that I hadn't received anything back and it's been at least three if not four weeks. I called this afternoon and spoke to a few different people and basically, my name is not in the system and they have not received anything. So I need to get a new passport, obtain a visa, and another copy of my immunization record indicating I've received the yellow fever one-in about ten business days.
I'm not gonna lie, I got off the phone with the guy and I cried. "God what are you doing?! Why haven't you nicely guided those documents to the place so they can issue my visa and send them back!?!?!?" and "God, I've told people how much you're providing over and above for me for this trip. This does not qualify as providing!!!" And then it was like He said, "Do you trust me?" Of course I trust Him! I've been telling people lately how He's taken care of everything I need lately! Well, if that's the case, what am I all worried about!?!?! I'm ridiculous.
Once again, my flesh kicks in for a few seconds and I start to panic, wondering how it's going to happen and get here in the next two weeks, not to mention the ridiculous fees to speed up the process. But like I just said in my last post, I know without a doubt that God has called me to go on this trip and I know that He can work out the details. If that means miraculously placing my info on someone's desk tomorrow morning before I send out all these documents and checks...again....I don't really care how He does it, but I know He will. Because He's God. And when my life is crazy and circumstances aren't quite how I planned, it doesn't change God and His character. Thankfully!
Please be praying that my visa arrives quickly and without problems before I leave! And that I would be aware of those simple things that God is taking care of. God is big, but not so big that He's not attentive to the details of things, like getting me my visa, and now my passport and immunization record. :)
The travel document service agency website says it takes about a week to process to get the visa so I was starting to get a little worried that I hadn't received anything back and it's been at least three if not four weeks. I called this afternoon and spoke to a few different people and basically, my name is not in the system and they have not received anything. So I need to get a new passport, obtain a visa, and another copy of my immunization record indicating I've received the yellow fever one-in about ten business days.
I'm not gonna lie, I got off the phone with the guy and I cried. "God what are you doing?! Why haven't you nicely guided those documents to the place so they can issue my visa and send them back!?!?!?" and "God, I've told people how much you're providing over and above for me for this trip. This does not qualify as providing!!!" And then it was like He said, "Do you trust me?" Of course I trust Him! I've been telling people lately how He's taken care of everything I need lately! Well, if that's the case, what am I all worried about!?!?! I'm ridiculous.
Once again, my flesh kicks in for a few seconds and I start to panic, wondering how it's going to happen and get here in the next two weeks, not to mention the ridiculous fees to speed up the process. But like I just said in my last post, I know without a doubt that God has called me to go on this trip and I know that He can work out the details. If that means miraculously placing my info on someone's desk tomorrow morning before I send out all these documents and checks...again....I don't really care how He does it, but I know He will. Because He's God. And when my life is crazy and circumstances aren't quite how I planned, it doesn't change God and His character. Thankfully!
Please be praying that my visa arrives quickly and without problems before I leave! And that I would be aware of those simple things that God is taking care of. God is big, but not so big that He's not attentive to the details of things, like getting me my visa, and now my passport and immunization record. :)
Sunday, September 11, 2011
What was I thinking?!?!?
I leave for Africa in less than three weeks! Wait...what!? It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I have soooooooo much to do and I feel so unprepared and not equipped. Every once in awhile, the human/flesh part of me takes over and I start to freak out. And then I'm reminded that God does not call the equipped, He equips the called!!! (Thank goodness...)
I find myself wondering what I was thinking and I have constantly been reminded the last couple of weeks that God has made it perfectly clear that He has called me on this trip. He provided over and above the resources I need to go there. I have been showered with people who are asking how things are going, when I'm leaving, how they can be praying, etc and I have been more than encouraged. It's such a blessing to know that there are so many people who are supporting me and serving God with me in this adventure.
Tonight, our church had a simulcast titled, A Wake Up Call, and part of it talked about our need to repent and igniting our passion for Jesus and not just going through the motions. At the end, the lady was taking about Isaiah 6:8, which says, "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!" (NIV)
I fight to control. A lot. It's a constant struggle, even though I know that God's will is what I want. That was one of my sins I needed to repent of tonight. And that I question God's sovereignty when He doesn't do things according to my plan and time table. I get scared when I think about where God wants to send me. He's not safe. BUT He is good. All the time. So tonight, I told God that....that I'm scared, but I want what He has for me. I want my heart to be broken with the things that break His heart. I want to see people as He sees them. I want to be His hands and feet to a world that is hurting so much. I want people to get a glimpse of God's magnificence by the way I live my life for Him.
"Here am I. Send me!!!"
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Reminders:
You know those sermons where you feel like you're the only one in the room and God is speaking directly to you through the pastor? Definitely was one of those Sundays last week.
You may have gathered through my previous posts that I've been struggling a bit with trusting and believing God lately. I mean, like I know that God is good. I know His plans are great and better than anything I could ever imagine. I know that I'm never alone. But practically speaking, what does that look like? What would my life look like if I knew these things and BELIEVED them? If I took God for His Word and practically lived out these Truths in my life?
The sermon started out talking about moving from spiritual cliches to practically applying and living out God's Truth. Could it fit any better?! The verse the pastor focused on was 2 Corinthians 9:8, which says:
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
First, notice the word ALL...in all things, at all times, having all that you need....God knows what I need before I ever do and knows what I need much better than I do. And He is ABLE!!! For anything. I needed these reminders more than I realized. Pastor Vaughn even said at one point, "God just laid it on my heart that someone needed to hear these things today." (I seriously felt like there were flashing lights above me pointing at me....that's how direct it was.)
But yet so refreshing.
My God is able. Even if I'm failing, when I surrender before Him and make it about Him and not me, He is able to do it all.
Tonight, I listened to a man speak about God and His goodness that he's experienced through a horrific car accident he was in a couple years ago. This guy was in a coma for two months and is mostly wheelchair bound right now. It was incredible to hear him testify so passionately about God's character and how much he began to fully understand that through the trials and sufferings he's dealt with because of this accident. He talked about four lessons he's learned throughout the process this far and one of them being that God is enough. He talked about his ministry he was involved in and how he easily could have missed knowing God because he was so caught up in doing for God. What if everything was taken away from us? Would God be enough? Yes. But really, would He? I want Him to be. I know He should be. I know He can be. I'm not gonna lie, it's a huge challenge for me.
My life is nothing like I thought it would be at this point in time, but I want to be okay with that. Genuinely okay with that. I want to get to the point where I know and BELIEVE that He is ABLE and He is ENOUGH.
I feel like part of me loves missions trips because it forces me to that point. Going to Africa...alone...for 18 days...there is absolutely nothing familiar about it. Except my luggage. I'm pushed so far out of my comfort zone to the point of..."Okay God, I have nothing to depend on...you're it!" argh! I get so frustrated that it takes me going on a missions trip to have that mentality.
So I guess that's how you could be praying....that God would do whatever it takes for me to have a constant attitude of "Okay God, you're it!"...whether I'm in Africa or Wadena. At church or at work. Doing ministry or buying groceries. Because He is it. And He is more than able and enough. I want to testify of that.
You may have gathered through my previous posts that I've been struggling a bit with trusting and believing God lately. I mean, like I know that God is good. I know His plans are great and better than anything I could ever imagine. I know that I'm never alone. But practically speaking, what does that look like? What would my life look like if I knew these things and BELIEVED them? If I took God for His Word and practically lived out these Truths in my life?
The sermon started out talking about moving from spiritual cliches to practically applying and living out God's Truth. Could it fit any better?! The verse the pastor focused on was 2 Corinthians 9:8, which says:
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
First, notice the word ALL...in all things, at all times, having all that you need....God knows what I need before I ever do and knows what I need much better than I do. And He is ABLE!!! For anything. I needed these reminders more than I realized. Pastor Vaughn even said at one point, "God just laid it on my heart that someone needed to hear these things today." (I seriously felt like there were flashing lights above me pointing at me....that's how direct it was.)
But yet so refreshing.
My God is able. Even if I'm failing, when I surrender before Him and make it about Him and not me, He is able to do it all.
Tonight, I listened to a man speak about God and His goodness that he's experienced through a horrific car accident he was in a couple years ago. This guy was in a coma for two months and is mostly wheelchair bound right now. It was incredible to hear him testify so passionately about God's character and how much he began to fully understand that through the trials and sufferings he's dealt with because of this accident. He talked about four lessons he's learned throughout the process this far and one of them being that God is enough. He talked about his ministry he was involved in and how he easily could have missed knowing God because he was so caught up in doing for God. What if everything was taken away from us? Would God be enough? Yes. But really, would He? I want Him to be. I know He should be. I know He can be. I'm not gonna lie, it's a huge challenge for me.
My life is nothing like I thought it would be at this point in time, but I want to be okay with that. Genuinely okay with that. I want to get to the point where I know and BELIEVE that He is ABLE and He is ENOUGH.
I feel like part of me loves missions trips because it forces me to that point. Going to Africa...alone...for 18 days...there is absolutely nothing familiar about it. Except my luggage. I'm pushed so far out of my comfort zone to the point of..."Okay God, I have nothing to depend on...you're it!" argh! I get so frustrated that it takes me going on a missions trip to have that mentality.
So I guess that's how you could be praying....that God would do whatever it takes for me to have a constant attitude of "Okay God, you're it!"...whether I'm in Africa or Wadena. At church or at work. Doing ministry or buying groceries. Because He is it. And He is more than able and enough. I want to testify of that.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I love my church.
I love Sundays. I have been beyond blessed to be a part of the church I currently attend.
I'm not saying my church is perfect by any means or that we are better than anyone, but I have been reminded several times of the way that God shows me His love through individuals at my church.
I sent out letters to some friends and family and then several Sundays ago, my pastor brought me up front and we told the congregation about my trip and the opportunity to support me. My trip and flight are both paid for and the last I checked with the church secretary, I was a little over my goal! I'm hoping to use the extra for some random expenses I didn't figure in my costs, ie-immunizations, visa, travel to and from airport, etc. I love how God provides.
People have constantly been asking me how things are going as I prepare and telling me how excited they are, which makes me excited! Of course I'm excited to go, but it is so reassuring and just confirms that God is leading the way for me to do this as He continues to open the doors for everything! It is also reassuring knowing that I belong to a body that I know is praying for me now and will be covering me in prayer while I'm on this trip.
So if you go to the Wadena Christian and Missionary Alliance Church, thank you. I love belonging to that family. To the rest of you, thank you also for your prayers and support. I couldn't be doing any of this without all of you!!! I also hope that you belong to a similar community of believers and can relate with what I'm talking about.
Happy Sunday :)
I'm not saying my church is perfect by any means or that we are better than anyone, but I have been reminded several times of the way that God shows me His love through individuals at my church.
I sent out letters to some friends and family and then several Sundays ago, my pastor brought me up front and we told the congregation about my trip and the opportunity to support me. My trip and flight are both paid for and the last I checked with the church secretary, I was a little over my goal! I'm hoping to use the extra for some random expenses I didn't figure in my costs, ie-immunizations, visa, travel to and from airport, etc. I love how God provides.
People have constantly been asking me how things are going as I prepare and telling me how excited they are, which makes me excited! Of course I'm excited to go, but it is so reassuring and just confirms that God is leading the way for me to do this as He continues to open the doors for everything! It is also reassuring knowing that I belong to a body that I know is praying for me now and will be covering me in prayer while I'm on this trip.
So if you go to the Wadena Christian and Missionary Alliance Church, thank you. I love belonging to that family. To the rest of you, thank you also for your prayers and support. I couldn't be doing any of this without all of you!!! I also hope that you belong to a similar community of believers and can relate with what I'm talking about.
Happy Sunday :)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Faith is spelled R-I-S-K...
I went to a friend's church a couple Sunday's ago because she was getting baptized and the pastor mentioned this is in his sermon (Faith is spelled R-I-S-K.) Last Sunday, at my church, I heard the same thing...it's made me think...
I'm a hoarder-control freak. It's true.
I love structure, routine and predictability, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. However, I like to know how things will happen, when it will happen and the process of it all. Once I'm out of my comfort zone and doing said task, or after it's complete, I'm reminded how much I enjoy being out of my comfort zone. It takes me a little while to get there though.
I've also felt really convicted lately on this hoarding issue. (I'm not sure that hoarder is the best term for it, but it's what I got right now...) I know that God has a plan for me that is good. I know that. It's clearly evident in his Word that He loves me and his plans are better than anything I would ever dream of! Yet, I still play the catch game... "Here's my life God---I want your will!" And then a little while later, "But I'm just going to hold onto this...I can take care of that...oh and that too...why don't you just let me deal with that. Oh yeah, I forgot about that, I'll hang on to that while I'm at it." And before I know it, I've taken full control.
I was trying to find one of my favorite skits to post, but can't seem to find it. I did come across this one by The Skit Guys, that is performed almost every year at the conference we take our youth group students to. It is full of God's promises and oozing with Truth. It's a little lengthy, but so good. Check it out...
I don't know where you find yourself at today, but as for me, ultimately I want that chisel. Watching the video again, I'm reminded of how often I become content with "good enough." But like he said, God loves us too much to leave us there. And for that I'm grateful. Bring on the chisel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)