Miss Independent

I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge, which if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. This is my third or fourth time reading it and it's one of my all time fave's. This book discusses how women are created in the image of God and focuses on how women like to be pursued, play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and reveal beauty, just as God does as well. John Eldridge also wrote Wild at Heart, which is the equivalent only relating to how men reflect the image of God.

This book brings about so many realities about women, myself included. Tonight, the chapter I was reading was talking about how beauty has been so marred in today's culture. To cover up for our insecurities, we often attempt to control and dominate. They might as well have called that section "Jenny Steinkopf." I find myself again and again struggling with the need to be independent. I would rather crush, crumble and have a mental breakdown before asking for help. Okay, not that bad, but bad enough.

I definitely see this reflected in my relationship with God. I throw out the cliche's: "There is nothing to worry about...God has a plan...It will all work out...Trials strengthen my faith and character..." But yet I find myself questioning if the way I am living my life is really one that is in complete faith and utter dependence on the Lord. I try to plan, predict and control so that I know how and when things will happen. When they don't go my way, I get severely frustrated. I am finding that what I thought was strong and deep faith is just the surface of the so-called "abundant life" that Jesus is calling me to.

I want that life. I really do. But I find myself not wanting to work or sacrifice for it. I'm not sure why. God gave His son for me. The least I could do is sacrifice a little, right? So much to learn...and I have a feeling this is just the beginning

Totally Random Thoughts....

Yes, It's been awhile. My blogging habits are very inconsistent and totally random. And so it goes...

This is not at all how I pictured my life. I'm not exactly sure what I did picture, but I at least thought I would have things a little more "figured out" at this age. I am realizing how unpredictable and uncertain life truly is. I am realizing how little control I have over my life. As much as I fight holding the reigns of my future, I know that it's already planned and God has something great that I cannot even begin to imagine. With that in mind, I don't want to be in control. I want to be amazed at the way God blesses me when I obey Him, which is where the road block comes in. I struggle so much with being independent and doing things on my own. I Hate asking for help. (Notice that hate is with a capital h...) I always thought that when I finished high school, life would be good. I finished high school and realized that "When I finish college, then life will be good." I finished college and realized that "When I find my first adult job, then life will be good." I found my first adult job and realized that life isn't going "to be good" at the next stage. There is always something missing. First it was a degree, then a job, and then a spouse. I thought, "When I get married, then life will be good." What I am actually realizing is that I need to be content at whatever stage I'm in because when I'm living in true obedience to the Lord, I am at the best place I could possibly be. Such a process...

Sunday Sunday Sunday

As the weeks go on (which they are going extremely fast), I begin to feel a little more burnt out each week. I am at work right now and it seems that the moment I sit down and get a chance to breathe and take a minute out from school work, I immediately fall asleep. I haven't talked to any of my friends in a good week-literally-and I feel like a jerk. There is a fine line I'm walking on...I'm less than three months from finishing nursing school-I have to get my crap done. In three months, I can devote more time to my friends and for now they will have to deal with this. However, relationships are so important and I've often had the thought of "What if one of my friends was in a horrible accident and I lost them?" (Horrible thought, I know...) But I don't know how I would handle knowing that I blew them off so that I could focus on school...it's selfish when it comes down to it. Hopefully, none of my friends are in any accidents in the next three months. Or I will feel like the biggest jerk ever.

On a lighter note...I haven't weighed-in for two weeks. I tend to weigh-in and then eat horribly thinking, I can recover... So I decided to wait to see if it helped, which I don't think it has, but oh well. The intentions were good. Too bad intentions don't lose my weight... My exercising has been going great though. I think I've gone basically every day. I went last night and was there by myself. I ran a little over a mile on a speed higher than normal. I sounded like I was going to die, but I felt great afterwards. I know, it's only a mile, but I have to start somewhere.

I started lifting weights too, which is so depressing. I was a weight-lifting freak back in high school and it's pitiful to see what I can (or can't for that matter) lift now. But I'm sore, so I guess I'm working something, right? Such a long process. Someday, I will be thin and beautiful. Even it's when I die and go to heaven...:)