Crazy Love

Yep, I'm back once again...had some random thoughts to share...

Currently reading (again) the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. One of the most challenging and convicting books I've ever read. But in a good way...

Several months ago, I was reading in John, chapter 10, I believe it is...where it talks about how the thief came to steal, kill and destroy, but Christ came so that we would have life, but not just any life, but ABUNDANT LIFE. So I began to wonder, what exactly does that mean? What is the abundant life? Is it one of great health, wealth, success and happiness? And how do you define each of those? I began to realize how dissatisfied I was with my life and thinking about and wondering what God was/is calling me to do with my life.

So this book, Crazy Love, is about how God (as magnificent as He is) lavishes us with this self-sacrificing, unconditional life like no other (definitely a crazy love) and our response is, as Chan states, "to go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss." The first three chapters really reinforce the magnitude and infinite wonder of God, while also reminding that we are so little and not important at all. Our lives here are such a short time when compared to eternity.

The next chapter to be discussed at our group study on Tuesday is probably the hardest chapter for me to read in the entire book. It's titled "Lukewarm Christian." He talks about how this is an oxymoran. If we were to truly live as Christians like the followers of Jesus that the Bible talks about, you can not be a "Christian" and be lukewarm. If I am following Jesus like the Bible says, I would have a love and passion for Jesus and serving HIM that there is no room to be lukewarm. But somehow, over the years, we have twisted the definition of what/who a Christian is.

I look back in the last ten years or so of my life and my junior year of high school was my main "turning point." It was the first time in my life that I realized that God wanted a personal relationship with me. He didn't just want my Sunday mornings and my prayers, but He wanted ME. And ALL of me. My life. My future. Complete and total surrender. So at that time, I thought I was a "good Christian" and I understood what this whole GOd thing was about. Then I look at where I am now and how much I've grown and I just laugh. I could write a ton on the things God has taught me and how I've grown, but my point is that lately, God has been challenging me with how I define the word "Christian." More specifically how my life defines it. I don't want my life to define myself as a Christian because I go to church, and pray and try to do good things and be a good person. I want to be a Christian who is an all out passionate follower of Jesus Christ. One who is in complete and total surrender to God and His will for my life. Someone who is living my day to day life depending on Jesus and stepping out in faith for God to work and provide and care for my every need.

When Jesus first called his disciples, it says they "left everything and followed him." Wow. I can't imagine it. Leaving my job, my family, my church, my money, my comfort zone, to follow Him, but not knowing where He will take me and what He'll do with my life. But that's exactly what He still calls me to do today. He wants my job, my family, my church, my money and my comfort zone. He wants me to follow Him and to trust Him that wherever He takes me and whatever He does with my life, to know it's for good. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

I know God is calling me to something greater, and I am trying to wait patiently on His timing to discover what that is. So this is the start, or the middle, of my journey of waiting on Him to show me what He has for me. And my struggle of giving Him my ALL and letting Him keep it. I want to be "sweetly broken and wholly surrendered" as Jeremy Riddle puts it.

Miracles.

I was talking to someone the other day about a lady with Alzheimer's whose husband recently had a heart attack. This individual was saying she called into "The Prayer Network" for the man who had the heart attack and the prayer counselor she prayed with was praying for the wife too. This individual said, "Wouldn't it be neat if she became well again!? We do know that with God, nothing is impossible!"

My first thought was right, nothing is impossible with God, but then I thought, let's be honest with ourselves, she has Alzheimer's, that's not going to get better. But then I found myself asking myself why couldn't that happen. God brought Lazerus back to life. He cured the blind. He told the guy to get up and walk, and HE DID! God did miracles.

And the Bible says that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He doesn't change. EVER. So why couldn't He do miracles today?! I guess I've just never really witnessed a "big miracle" like that. Oh how I limit the work of the Lord.

Just think of the amazing things that could happen if we didn't limit God so much and keep Him contained in our little box of how He should be, or what He should do. I often think about the opportunities I have missed simply because I underestimate the power of the Lord. The Bible says several times how God's plan are way better than mine would ever be. So why do I fear that so much? Why am I afraid of the best thing possible to have during my time on Earth? I get so frustrated with my humanness. I hate the whole progression thing. I want to flip a light switch and be "Super Christian" right now. I am lacking in the patience department. When I have patience, that would be a miracle! :)

Miss Independent

I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge, which if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. This is my third or fourth time reading it and it's one of my all time fave's. This book discusses how women are created in the image of God and focuses on how women like to be pursued, play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and reveal beauty, just as God does as well. John Eldridge also wrote Wild at Heart, which is the equivalent only relating to how men reflect the image of God.

This book brings about so many realities about women, myself included. Tonight, the chapter I was reading was talking about how beauty has been so marred in today's culture. To cover up for our insecurities, we often attempt to control and dominate. They might as well have called that section "Jenny Steinkopf." I find myself again and again struggling with the need to be independent. I would rather crush, crumble and have a mental breakdown before asking for help. Okay, not that bad, but bad enough.

I definitely see this reflected in my relationship with God. I throw out the cliche's: "There is nothing to worry about...God has a plan...It will all work out...Trials strengthen my faith and character..." But yet I find myself questioning if the way I am living my life is really one that is in complete faith and utter dependence on the Lord. I try to plan, predict and control so that I know how and when things will happen. When they don't go my way, I get severely frustrated. I am finding that what I thought was strong and deep faith is just the surface of the so-called "abundant life" that Jesus is calling me to.

I want that life. I really do. But I find myself not wanting to work or sacrifice for it. I'm not sure why. God gave His son for me. The least I could do is sacrifice a little, right? So much to learn...and I have a feeling this is just the beginning