Clearly, I'm not a consistent blogger...
It's hard to sum up the last three years and all that has happened. I feel like I need to get some thoughts out and putting it here is much faster than writing (#firstworldproblems) and it's fun to come back and re-read these.
I'm sitting in a Pot Belly's in Dallas, Texas. Tonight, I start training with Time to Revive. I still haven't decided if I'm going to move forward and join the team or not.
My college friend, Megan, and her husband, Josh, are on the Minnesota team. I've supported them since they started a few years back and love seeing/hearing how God is using this team to love people and share the Gospel.
Those who know me well, know I have always struggled with figuring out where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Sometimes so much so that I limit God and think he can only use me if I'm on 7th St SW in Wadena, Minnesota at 4:05 p.m on Tuesday. If not, surely I'm not following God! (Ridiculous, I know...) My mom often reminds me God can use me whether I'm a nurse, a Wal-Mart greeter or in the circus. These are my typical career options when I'm ready for a break from nursing.
My life was going as planned and I thought I was going to finally get married a couple years ago. Well, obviously that didn't pan out since I'm still single... It really threw me for a loop and interrupted the plans I had for my life. The last couple years have been hard, in a good way. It's been a wilderness season. Lonely at times, depressing at others, but I don't remember a time when God and my faith were so real.
I've been humbled living with my brother and his family. I moved in with them when I started a travel nursing job last July. I cried on the way home from my first day of work. All I could think about was the fact that I was in my early 30's, single and living in my brother's basement. Now, I can't tell you how wonderful this time has been though!!! I have always looked up to my brother and love getting to see him on a regular basis. It's been fun getting to know my SIL better. Of course the games of Uno, Old Maid, Go Fish and snow fort building have created a lot of memories with my two nieces. I've been able to see friends more often because we live closer. I've gone to a few different churches and been part of small groups that have been so encouraging and good. God keeps reminding me that waiting does not mean inactivity. He is still working in so many ways, but I have learned to appreciate this season of rest and refreshment.
Back to Time to Revive...I applied to join the team last October. I told God I would keep walking until he closed the door. I still haven't fully committed yet. I'm still trying to figure out if it's me being fearful and holding on to control or if it simply isn't time yet. I enjoy being a nurse most days. I love connecting with and helping people. I always said if someone gave me unlimited finances, I would become a professional "Random Act of Kindness Giver." When I went to Africa several years ago for a short-term trip, I was certain I was going back. But God challenged me in loving people in my community and everyday life at that time the way I loved people in Africa. I wrestle with the concept of missions and what that means in my life. I wonder if that is my calling or continue my life as is and partner with other people in ministry. Working as nurse gives me lots of opportunities to be a "missionary" so to speak in ways I wouldn't have otherwise.
Then there is the financial aspect...I would ask people to partner with me if I did Time to Revive. It scares me a little bit, but the insurance aspect scares me even more. I have the best health insurance I've ever had right now. If I do Time to Revive, I also need to figure out where I would live. Would I move back in with my sister, Sarah, in Wadena. Try somewhere else? I'm not good at making decisions...
I've also been challenged in what I really believe about God and His Word. It's so easy for me to say, "I know God can do "fill in the blank"...or pray "God, would you "fill in the blank," but your will be done." In translation, I've learned what I'm really saying is, "God, would you "...," but I don't really believe you will because I haven't seen it." I've been praying a lot of "Jesus, help my unbelief" lately. I do want to believe it. I know in my head He can do it, but I'm kind of stuck. I keep coming back to the verse in the Bible that says with the power of the Holy Spirit, we will do greater things than Jesus did during his time on earth. WHAT?! How is that even possible...um, Lazarus??? (He was raised from the dead.) I can't say I've brought anyone back to life recently. Or ever.
Then I realize He is God and I am not. So I'm trying to take one day at a time. And to seek Jesus, not just His plan and will. To be continued....
