This is what it's about...

I have one of the best "jobs" in the world. I have the privlege of working with the youth in the community. Five years ago, I probably would have called that something else, but not as nice as the word "privlege." Perhaps more along the lines of "punishment." :)

But seriously, I have been blessed beyond measure since I started working with the youth group at my church. It has not always been easy. There have been days, I would love to shake some of those kids, but God has taught me so much thru it and them (the students).

The last few months, I have also had the pleasure of being a member of CPOE. CPOE is a group of myself and 3 other youth pastors who helped put together a 30 Hour Famine and are dreaming at how we can reach the youth in this community for Christ.

Wednesday night, we put on a free concert-two of the three bands from the famine came back and did an amazing concert. We didn't have a ton of kids show up, but it was still a good time. Anyhow, one of the singers gave a testimony and presented the Gospel and gave the kids an opportunity to make a decision. The guy prayed with the students and then he told them, if they prayed with him, to just look up at him. I so badly wanted to run on stage and see what kids were making new decisions or perhaps recommitments. But I sat in the back, just being thankful that we were able to put on this "event" that was hopefully planting seeds.

After, the band wanted to do one more song and one of the other youth pastors told me a girl had slipped into the bathroom and I should go check it out. I went in and this 14 year-old girl had tears streaming down her face. God was definitely working! I talked with her briefly, but then I had the honor of praying with this girl and I got to remind her that God loves her and has great things planned for her and tell her all these awesome promises God has for her life. It was one of the coolest things I have ever done.

What a humbling reminder of why I'm here and why I do the things I do. Not just youth ministry, but everyday life. That's what it's about. Seeing God work and bring people to Him. She was kind of embarrassed that she was crying (heaven forbid her mascara was smudged), but I reminded her that those tears are worth so much! On my way home, as I was thanking God for letting me be a part of that, I began to think about the last time God moved in my heart like that. I remember when I was at a LIFE youth conference the summer before my junior year of high school and I cried one of the first nights during a speak/concert. I was so embarrassed because I didn't even know why I was crying! Of course, now I know that God was moving and the Holy Spirit was working on/in me, but then I wonder why I've become so comfortable with life that I don't have that passion in my relationship with God. Have I become so comfortable and self-sufficient that I'm keeping the Holy Spirit out of my life? Ouch.

In our Bible Study on the book Crazy Love, the last chapter was called "Serving Leftovers to a Holy God." Guilty, right here. Something is better than nothing, right? But like the book states, really, who likes a forced compliment or an obligated service. Generally, we would rather have no compliment than one being forced because it "should" be said. So why would God want any different.

I have been realizing how much I take my relationship with God for granted. Yes, God's grace, love and mercy is unconditional and nothing I do can make Him love me any less. God doesn't have a love-o-meter that says, "Jenny went to church today, she gets a little extra love today." No, it's always the same, but what has happened to my desire to give God that love? I want to cry like this young girl at the concert did, purely and simply because God is at work in my life. I don't want to give Him leftovers anymore. He deserves it ALL!

It's official, I suck.

So I just stated a few days ago, that I would be sharing about my struggle with allowing God to have it ALL...I already screwed up. I just told God Sunday morning at church, "I'm done dealing with this God, it's yours, I don't want to have it any longer." And by Sunday night, I had already taken it back.

I get so frustrated with myself. I say I trust God and that He has a plan, but I sit here and can't give up simple things to Him and let Him actually keep them. Seriously, there are some major heart issues going on.

Praise the Lord He doesn't just quit on me or I'd really be screwed, but He continues to wait. To pursue and romance me, even though I give Him the cold shoulder. I am running extremely low in the patience and perseverence department lately. I am clinging to His promises though and knowing that those who have gone before me are cheering for me. I want to strip off all the things that are entangling me, as Hebrews puts it, so that I can RUN with PERSEVERENCE the race that is set before me. I want to claim that prize!!!

Crazy Love

Yep, I'm back once again...had some random thoughts to share...

Currently reading (again) the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. One of the most challenging and convicting books I've ever read. But in a good way...

Several months ago, I was reading in John, chapter 10, I believe it is...where it talks about how the thief came to steal, kill and destroy, but Christ came so that we would have life, but not just any life, but ABUNDANT LIFE. So I began to wonder, what exactly does that mean? What is the abundant life? Is it one of great health, wealth, success and happiness? And how do you define each of those? I began to realize how dissatisfied I was with my life and thinking about and wondering what God was/is calling me to do with my life.

So this book, Crazy Love, is about how God (as magnificent as He is) lavishes us with this self-sacrificing, unconditional life like no other (definitely a crazy love) and our response is, as Chan states, "to go to church, sing songs, and try not to cuss." The first three chapters really reinforce the magnitude and infinite wonder of God, while also reminding that we are so little and not important at all. Our lives here are such a short time when compared to eternity.

The next chapter to be discussed at our group study on Tuesday is probably the hardest chapter for me to read in the entire book. It's titled "Lukewarm Christian." He talks about how this is an oxymoran. If we were to truly live as Christians like the followers of Jesus that the Bible talks about, you can not be a "Christian" and be lukewarm. If I am following Jesus like the Bible says, I would have a love and passion for Jesus and serving HIM that there is no room to be lukewarm. But somehow, over the years, we have twisted the definition of what/who a Christian is.

I look back in the last ten years or so of my life and my junior year of high school was my main "turning point." It was the first time in my life that I realized that God wanted a personal relationship with me. He didn't just want my Sunday mornings and my prayers, but He wanted ME. And ALL of me. My life. My future. Complete and total surrender. So at that time, I thought I was a "good Christian" and I understood what this whole GOd thing was about. Then I look at where I am now and how much I've grown and I just laugh. I could write a ton on the things God has taught me and how I've grown, but my point is that lately, God has been challenging me with how I define the word "Christian." More specifically how my life defines it. I don't want my life to define myself as a Christian because I go to church, and pray and try to do good things and be a good person. I want to be a Christian who is an all out passionate follower of Jesus Christ. One who is in complete and total surrender to God and His will for my life. Someone who is living my day to day life depending on Jesus and stepping out in faith for God to work and provide and care for my every need.

When Jesus first called his disciples, it says they "left everything and followed him." Wow. I can't imagine it. Leaving my job, my family, my church, my money, my comfort zone, to follow Him, but not knowing where He will take me and what He'll do with my life. But that's exactly what He still calls me to do today. He wants my job, my family, my church, my money and my comfort zone. He wants me to follow Him and to trust Him that wherever He takes me and whatever He does with my life, to know it's for good. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

I know God is calling me to something greater, and I am trying to wait patiently on His timing to discover what that is. So this is the start, or the middle, of my journey of waiting on Him to show me what He has for me. And my struggle of giving Him my ALL and letting Him keep it. I want to be "sweetly broken and wholly surrendered" as Jeremy Riddle puts it.

Miracles.

I was talking to someone the other day about a lady with Alzheimer's whose husband recently had a heart attack. This individual was saying she called into "The Prayer Network" for the man who had the heart attack and the prayer counselor she prayed with was praying for the wife too. This individual said, "Wouldn't it be neat if she became well again!? We do know that with God, nothing is impossible!"

My first thought was right, nothing is impossible with God, but then I thought, let's be honest with ourselves, she has Alzheimer's, that's not going to get better. But then I found myself asking myself why couldn't that happen. God brought Lazerus back to life. He cured the blind. He told the guy to get up and walk, and HE DID! God did miracles.

And the Bible says that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He doesn't change. EVER. So why couldn't He do miracles today?! I guess I've just never really witnessed a "big miracle" like that. Oh how I limit the work of the Lord.

Just think of the amazing things that could happen if we didn't limit God so much and keep Him contained in our little box of how He should be, or what He should do. I often think about the opportunities I have missed simply because I underestimate the power of the Lord. The Bible says several times how God's plan are way better than mine would ever be. So why do I fear that so much? Why am I afraid of the best thing possible to have during my time on Earth? I get so frustrated with my humanness. I hate the whole progression thing. I want to flip a light switch and be "Super Christian" right now. I am lacking in the patience department. When I have patience, that would be a miracle! :)

Miss Independent

I've been reading the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge, which if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it. This is my third or fourth time reading it and it's one of my all time fave's. This book discusses how women are created in the image of God and focuses on how women like to be pursued, play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure and reveal beauty, just as God does as well. John Eldridge also wrote Wild at Heart, which is the equivalent only relating to how men reflect the image of God.

This book brings about so many realities about women, myself included. Tonight, the chapter I was reading was talking about how beauty has been so marred in today's culture. To cover up for our insecurities, we often attempt to control and dominate. They might as well have called that section "Jenny Steinkopf." I find myself again and again struggling with the need to be independent. I would rather crush, crumble and have a mental breakdown before asking for help. Okay, not that bad, but bad enough.

I definitely see this reflected in my relationship with God. I throw out the cliche's: "There is nothing to worry about...God has a plan...It will all work out...Trials strengthen my faith and character..." But yet I find myself questioning if the way I am living my life is really one that is in complete faith and utter dependence on the Lord. I try to plan, predict and control so that I know how and when things will happen. When they don't go my way, I get severely frustrated. I am finding that what I thought was strong and deep faith is just the surface of the so-called "abundant life" that Jesus is calling me to.

I want that life. I really do. But I find myself not wanting to work or sacrifice for it. I'm not sure why. God gave His son for me. The least I could do is sacrifice a little, right? So much to learn...and I have a feeling this is just the beginning

Totally Random Thoughts....

Yes, It's been awhile. My blogging habits are very inconsistent and totally random. And so it goes...

This is not at all how I pictured my life. I'm not exactly sure what I did picture, but I at least thought I would have things a little more "figured out" at this age. I am realizing how unpredictable and uncertain life truly is. I am realizing how little control I have over my life. As much as I fight holding the reigns of my future, I know that it's already planned and God has something great that I cannot even begin to imagine. With that in mind, I don't want to be in control. I want to be amazed at the way God blesses me when I obey Him, which is where the road block comes in. I struggle so much with being independent and doing things on my own. I Hate asking for help. (Notice that hate is with a capital h...) I always thought that when I finished high school, life would be good. I finished high school and realized that "When I finish college, then life will be good." I finished college and realized that "When I find my first adult job, then life will be good." I found my first adult job and realized that life isn't going "to be good" at the next stage. There is always something missing. First it was a degree, then a job, and then a spouse. I thought, "When I get married, then life will be good." What I am actually realizing is that I need to be content at whatever stage I'm in because when I'm living in true obedience to the Lord, I am at the best place I could possibly be. Such a process...