Totally Random Thoughts....

Yes, It's been awhile. My blogging habits are very inconsistent and totally random. And so it goes...

This is not at all how I pictured my life. I'm not exactly sure what I did picture, but I at least thought I would have things a little more "figured out" at this age. I am realizing how unpredictable and uncertain life truly is. I am realizing how little control I have over my life. As much as I fight holding the reigns of my future, I know that it's already planned and God has something great that I cannot even begin to imagine. With that in mind, I don't want to be in control. I want to be amazed at the way God blesses me when I obey Him, which is where the road block comes in. I struggle so much with being independent and doing things on my own. I Hate asking for help. (Notice that hate is with a capital h...) I always thought that when I finished high school, life would be good. I finished high school and realized that "When I finish college, then life will be good." I finished college and realized that "When I find my first adult job, then life will be good." I found my first adult job and realized that life isn't going "to be good" at the next stage. There is always something missing. First it was a degree, then a job, and then a spouse. I thought, "When I get married, then life will be good." What I am actually realizing is that I need to be content at whatever stage I'm in because when I'm living in true obedience to the Lord, I am at the best place I could possibly be. Such a process...

Sunday Sunday Sunday

As the weeks go on (which they are going extremely fast), I begin to feel a little more burnt out each week. I am at work right now and it seems that the moment I sit down and get a chance to breathe and take a minute out from school work, I immediately fall asleep. I haven't talked to any of my friends in a good week-literally-and I feel like a jerk. There is a fine line I'm walking on...I'm less than three months from finishing nursing school-I have to get my crap done. In three months, I can devote more time to my friends and for now they will have to deal with this. However, relationships are so important and I've often had the thought of "What if one of my friends was in a horrible accident and I lost them?" (Horrible thought, I know...) But I don't know how I would handle knowing that I blew them off so that I could focus on school...it's selfish when it comes down to it. Hopefully, none of my friends are in any accidents in the next three months. Or I will feel like the biggest jerk ever.

On a lighter note...I haven't weighed-in for two weeks. I tend to weigh-in and then eat horribly thinking, I can recover... So I decided to wait to see if it helped, which I don't think it has, but oh well. The intentions were good. Too bad intentions don't lose my weight... My exercising has been going great though. I think I've gone basically every day. I went last night and was there by myself. I ran a little over a mile on a speed higher than normal. I sounded like I was going to die, but I felt great afterwards. I know, it's only a mile, but I have to start somewhere.

I started lifting weights too, which is so depressing. I was a weight-lifting freak back in high school and it's pitiful to see what I can (or can't for that matter) lift now. But I'm sore, so I guess I'm working something, right? Such a long process. Someday, I will be thin and beautiful. Even it's when I die and go to heaven...:)

I suck.

What a prime example of my lack of discipline...I can't even keep up with a stupid blog. I'm sure it has nothing to do with being in school full-time, working, planning a youth group lesson and trying to maintain my sanity.

Anyhow, my last weigh-in wasn't anything to brag about, but I did lose a pound. Better than a gain I guess. I've come to the realization that being tired is my weakness. When I'm tired and I should just go to bed/sleep, I feel the need to eat to stay awake (because often I should be doing homework/studying.) Somehow that justifies it???

I am dog tired right now. I was up at 5:15 this morning and at clinicals all day and just practiced starting IV's---scary! I just got an email that youth group was cancelled-sad because I look forward to meeting with that group every Wednesday, but I have 2 tests tomorrow I haven't studied for along with a worksheet. Yeah school. So I'm sure I'll go home, crash, take a nap and kick myself in the face for not doing homework right away. But right now, my brain is shot and I feel so burnt out. So this is me signing off. Over and out.