People frequently ask how I could work as a hospice nurse. I am often asked, "Isn't it depressing?" or "You always know the outcome and it's not good." What people often don't see or understand about hospice is that it's not focused completely on death and dying. While hospice is end of life care and patients have a terminal diagnosis, the goal of hospice is to help patients LIVE and to support their families during this journey. Hospice isn't care for when you are on your death bed. Generally, the patients and families that receive the greatest benefit from hospice care are the ones we started working with weeks and months before the patient actually dies. More time allows the hospice team to build a relationship with the patient and family and see what is important to them before that person dies or what is most helpful to him/her and the family. Time and time again, families would comment on wishing they would've started hospice sooner. But it's hard to shift your brain from focusing on curing and treating a disease to comfort care and symptom management. Meanwhile, letting strangers come in to your home and get real personal real fast and talk about your mom/dad/son/daughter/brother/sister/friend dying. It's truly an honor to experience such a thing with people. Excuse me while I step off my hospice soap box now...:)
So back to my reflecting...I was thinking about things I've learned during my time as a home care and hospice nurse and thought I would blog about a few. Someday, I will reread these postings and it will remind me of this season and maybe encourage someone else in their story or journey.
1. Life is too short. Watching people face death on a regular basis is a reminder of how temporary this life is. There is never enough time to do everything you want. We all have these things that we will do when "life slows down" or "fill in the blank (finish college/start a career/get married/have kids/kids leave/have grandkids/etc)." Newsflash: Life doesn't slow down. Ever. We make time for the things we care about. Life happens whether we like it or not. I had these things I wanted to do, but it was never the right time or it wasn't convenient. But neither is death. So I wrote my bucket list. Ride in a hot air balloon-check. I went sky-diving. And I did a triathlon. Run a 10k-check. Why wait? And not just for the big stuff, but the little things too. That friend that you are going to get together with...or at least you say that every time you run into each other? Pick a date and get together. Or better yet, just drop in. I read an article recently that drop in visits are becoming a lost art. Let's make a comeback...:)
2. Everybody has a story. Everybody. We are so quick to judge, assume and take offense from others. Especially those who don't look/think/act like we do. Or maybe it's just me? That whole, "Be kind to everyone you meet. They are fighting a battle you know nothing about" phrase. We've all been through sucky and messy times and know the small, simple things can make your day. They can also break your day too. What if when we were going about our busy days, we took a little more time to pay attention to the people we cross paths with? What if when we greeted someone with "How are you?" we actually took the time to listen? I confess I often do the, "Hi! How are you?"...."Good! How are you?"...."Good."....cue going about my day that is a disaster and I'm not good at all, but heaven forbid I actually tell you that. I'm not saying we have to air our dirty laundry, but this was one thing I loved about being a hospice nurse. I got to hear some of the best stories ever. Stories about growing up and childhood favorites, family vacations, how husbands and wives met (some of my favorites!), how marriages survived many years, hard ships and celebrations, family traditions, quirky traits and preferences and anything else you can think of! Which brings me to number three...
3. It's all about people and relationships. I have yet to hear someone on their death bed talk about how they are so happy they worked a bajillion hours at their lucrative job, had this immaculate mansion, luxurious car or any material items. None of that matters when you are dying. It's all about the people you love and have made memories with. It's the legacy you leave with those you love. Which ties into number four...
4. We all just want to be loved. It's really that simple. I confess that when I started in home care and hospice, there were houses I went to that...well, you could say cleanliness definitely wasn't next to godliness in their opinion! I was judgmental and couldn't believe that people lived in such conditions. Some of the sweetest, most loving families I have met have lived in what most of us would consider less than ideal conditions. Their house may not have been neat and clean, but their hearts were pure and clean, full of love, care and compassion. It was an eye opener for me that once my selfish, critical eyes could get past the materialistic, surfacy things, I saw the same exact thing at every house-an individual with a story who wants to be loved, cared for and to know their life mattered.
5. This last one is the main reason why I was able to work as a hospice nurse. I needed to remind myself of this often or hospice is a hopeless and depressing job. Just like the rest of the world and life in general! Final lesson (for this post anyhow!): My hope is not in this world or life. My hope is secure in Jesus and the promise that some day, because of His grace, mercy and sacrifice, I will forever live where there will be no death, cancer, disease, sickness, sorrow, etc, etc, etc. Our hospice medical director shared this quote by Richard Rohr at our remembrance night last December, "We must learn how to walk through the stages of dying. We have to grieve over lost friends, relatives, and loves. Death cannot be dealt with through quick answers, religious platitudes, or a stiff upper lip. Dying must be allowed to happen over time, in predictable and necessary stages, both in those who die graciously and in those who love them. Grief, believe it or not, is a liminal space where God can fill the tragic gap with something new and totally unexpected. Yet the process cannot be rushed. I would say that being present at live birth and conscious death are probably the supreme catechism classes and Sunday schools that we have available to humanity. And yet we have turned them largely into medical events instead of the inherently spiritual events that they are."
I have been incredibly blessed by the patients and families I have worked with the last few years. They have taught me so much about life, loving and living. A patient's husband told me he believes we never cross someone's path on accident or by coincidence. There is always a reason. We may not always know or see it right away, but there is purpose in each interaction, relationship and circumstance. I second that.
1. Life is too short. Watching people face death on a regular basis is a reminder of how temporary this life is. There is never enough time to do everything you want. We all have these things that we will do when "life slows down" or "fill in the blank (finish college/start a career/get married/have kids/kids leave/have grandkids/etc)." Newsflash: Life doesn't slow down. Ever. We make time for the things we care about. Life happens whether we like it or not. I had these things I wanted to do, but it was never the right time or it wasn't convenient. But neither is death. So I wrote my bucket list. Ride in a hot air balloon-check. I went sky-diving. And I did a triathlon. Run a 10k-check. Why wait? And not just for the big stuff, but the little things too. That friend that you are going to get together with...or at least you say that every time you run into each other? Pick a date and get together. Or better yet, just drop in. I read an article recently that drop in visits are becoming a lost art. Let's make a comeback...:)
2. Everybody has a story. Everybody. We are so quick to judge, assume and take offense from others. Especially those who don't look/think/act like we do. Or maybe it's just me? That whole, "Be kind to everyone you meet. They are fighting a battle you know nothing about" phrase. We've all been through sucky and messy times and know the small, simple things can make your day. They can also break your day too. What if when we were going about our busy days, we took a little more time to pay attention to the people we cross paths with? What if when we greeted someone with "How are you?" we actually took the time to listen? I confess I often do the, "Hi! How are you?"...."Good! How are you?"...."Good."....cue going about my day that is a disaster and I'm not good at all, but heaven forbid I actually tell you that. I'm not saying we have to air our dirty laundry, but this was one thing I loved about being a hospice nurse. I got to hear some of the best stories ever. Stories about growing up and childhood favorites, family vacations, how husbands and wives met (some of my favorites!), how marriages survived many years, hard ships and celebrations, family traditions, quirky traits and preferences and anything else you can think of! Which brings me to number three...
3. It's all about people and relationships. I have yet to hear someone on their death bed talk about how they are so happy they worked a bajillion hours at their lucrative job, had this immaculate mansion, luxurious car or any material items. None of that matters when you are dying. It's all about the people you love and have made memories with. It's the legacy you leave with those you love. Which ties into number four...
4. We all just want to be loved. It's really that simple. I confess that when I started in home care and hospice, there were houses I went to that...well, you could say cleanliness definitely wasn't next to godliness in their opinion! I was judgmental and couldn't believe that people lived in such conditions. Some of the sweetest, most loving families I have met have lived in what most of us would consider less than ideal conditions. Their house may not have been neat and clean, but their hearts were pure and clean, full of love, care and compassion. It was an eye opener for me that once my selfish, critical eyes could get past the materialistic, surfacy things, I saw the same exact thing at every house-an individual with a story who wants to be loved, cared for and to know their life mattered.
5. This last one is the main reason why I was able to work as a hospice nurse. I needed to remind myself of this often or hospice is a hopeless and depressing job. Just like the rest of the world and life in general! Final lesson (for this post anyhow!): My hope is not in this world or life. My hope is secure in Jesus and the promise that some day, because of His grace, mercy and sacrifice, I will forever live where there will be no death, cancer, disease, sickness, sorrow, etc, etc, etc. Our hospice medical director shared this quote by Richard Rohr at our remembrance night last December, "We must learn how to walk through the stages of dying. We have to grieve over lost friends, relatives, and loves. Death cannot be dealt with through quick answers, religious platitudes, or a stiff upper lip. Dying must be allowed to happen over time, in predictable and necessary stages, both in those who die graciously and in those who love them. Grief, believe it or not, is a liminal space where God can fill the tragic gap with something new and totally unexpected. Yet the process cannot be rushed. I would say that being present at live birth and conscious death are probably the supreme catechism classes and Sunday schools that we have available to humanity. And yet we have turned them largely into medical events instead of the inherently spiritual events that they are."
I have been incredibly blessed by the patients and families I have worked with the last few years. They have taught me so much about life, loving and living. A patient's husband told me he believes we never cross someone's path on accident or by coincidence. There is always a reason. We may not always know or see it right away, but there is purpose in each interaction, relationship and circumstance. I second that.
2 comments:
Absolutely awesome blog Jenny and you were an incredible hospice/home care nurse. Lots of love and good luck wherever you go. Love Sandy C
Thanks for sharing your heart and wisdom, friend! Love you!
-Sarah Marie
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